'We do not allow blasphemy of any sort'

You have probably never heard of him, but a man named Adam Duff O'Toole was burned alive in College Green for heresy and blasphemy. He was apparently ‘possessed by some wicked spirit of error’ as he dared to deny the existence of God. This happened back in 1327 so no need to flood the streets in protest but killings fuelled by anger stemming from the questioning of God continue to this day. The Charlie Hedbo massacre was the latest instalment of the ongoing battle between proponents of free speech and those who believe that any form of blasphemy is unacceptable.

I did not expect an enquiring email to the RTE Radio Drama Dept to bring this global debate to the forefront of my mind but that is exactly what happened yesterday afternoon. In an exercise in self-torture I have been trying to write a Radio Play for the P.J O’Connor Radio Awards that RTE run on an annual basis. I had started a script that included an occasional curse word and, as I thought about the demographic of the average Radio One listener, I wondered if it would be good idea to clarify what Radio One’s policy was on ‘inexactitudes’, as Bill O’Herlihy would call them. The reply I received from RTE surprised me.

The majority of the reply is what you might expect from a conservative, semi state organisation who still see Joe Duffy and his cavalcade of complaining callers as cutting edge Radio. I don’t have a problem with Radio One’s output, I merely point this out to illustrate their accepted level of conservatism when it comes to their content. I wasn’t surprised by their reticent nature with regards to bad language, it’s the price you pay for the chance to be broadcast on the country’s biggest radio station, I was however, surprised by the forthright and unsolicited statement on blasphemy.

In 2009 Ireland became the only country in Europe to introduce a blasphemy law in the 21^st century. This new law was tested with the sale in Ireland of the ‘survivors’ issue’ of Charlie Hedbo that featured the magazines controversial depictions of the Prophet Muhammad. More recently, Enda Kenny stated there would be no referendum on the matter during the lifetime of his government despite pressure from secularist groups such as Atheist Ireland. The punishment for breaking the blasphemy law is €25,000 by the way, so we’ve moved on from public executions at least.

Whether the response from RTE was due to a seemingly strict adherence to this archaic and outdated law is not clear as they have yet to reply to my follow up email. It does however, seem to run counter to their desire to position themselves as an organisation that fosters young, creative talent. On the contrary, they seem content to perpetuate a version of Ireland that’s stuck in the 1980’s, wherein religious doctrine must be followed above all else. There are many performers/writers/comedians who firmly believe in the idea that nothing is off limits when it comes to artistic expression. Any topic can be ridiculed and mocked without fear of persecution. Artistic integrity should be the No.1 one goal when it comes to the creative process. RTE does not seem to agree.

The most interesting part of this email is the way the statement about blasphemy is tagged on at the end of a sentence, almost as an afterthought. This makes sense as I made no reference to blasphemous content in my original email but it also speaks to a rather disturbing mindset. It’s as if the person replying thought it necessary, above all else, to make sure I would not write a script that disrespected any form of God. As if that’s the most deplorable thing a scriptwriter could do. They could maybe, possibly, at a push, tolerate some form of profanity but no poking fun at a deity of any sort. Which makes me think that any other controversial topic is perfectly fine. Bestiality, incest, genocide, torture, execution; all fine. Just no jokes about the big guy in the sky.

What a crazy way to run a department whose focus is dramatic output. I understand there are large sections of the population who might be offended by blasphemous content but since when did a fear of offending help people create new and interesting forms of drama. Would RTE accept a play written about the recent spate of beheading videos released by ISIS? Judging by their response, they probably would. Would they accept a play ridiculing the God these extremists worship and kill in the name of? Probably not. It doesn’t make sense that in the year 2015 after all this country has suffered at the hands of adhering to strict religious policies that RTE would prioritise not offending God over anything else.

It’s time for RTE cast off the shackles of religious oppression and truly embrace the concepts of free speech. Why worry so much about the people who might be offended by your content, maybe begin to think about the people who are more offended by your lack of content. Your mission statement specifically states your desire to connect with 'the lives of all people' (my emphasis) after all. Embrace the idea that people might be inspired, motivated or provoked in thoughtful ways by stories that other people find rude and offensive. It’s called diversity and it’s usually quite helpful when it comes to producing interesting content.

Bad luck and the DFS player - A match made in heaven

I love playing daily fantasy sports. And when I play daily fantasy sports I particularly like it when I win. Winning is wonderful. It provides you with a rush of adrenaline, a feeling of supremacy and occasionally, a sum of money so great that you can go out and buy a new three piece sectional. Unfortunately for DFS players, winning is not the norm. Losing is the norm and losing hurts.

Losing hurts because of the hope and expectation we place in the decisions we make. The level of expectation is directly related to the amount of time, study and effort we put in to assembling teams and when things go awry, as they often do, we feel cheated and let down. ‘How did Player A not score the amount of points I was certain he would’? 'How did Player B go 2-13 from the field'? 'How did Player C only play 22 minutes'?

These are the questions we ask ourselves on a regular basis and the answer often comes down to bad luck. Well it doesn’t, it comes down to the infinite amount of variables involved in attempting to predict sporting outcomes, but in our moments of rage, as we see that ‘questionable’ tag change to ‘will not return’ it seems obvious that our own sense of luck has played a part.

It’s what following sports does to you. It turns you into an irrational, raving lunatic and the obsession with perceived bad luck is always part of it. I have yet to see a tweet or read a comment by someone that celebrated the extraordinary amount of good luck they’ve been having lately. An all caps post in the Rotogrinders forum about an overtime game rescuing a player’s cash games is a thing of rare beauty. Messages bemoaning that same game are commonplace.

Even before the invention of fantasy games, following sports teams always involved a layer of illusion. You support your team with all the patriotic pride you can muster and cheer them on from the stands, but outside of running onto a playing field and tackling a rival player, your influence is limited. Sure, buying merchandise and season tickets helps the club and you can even become part owner of some sporting franchises through purchasing shares, but there’s still a disconnect. A disconnect that we would not tolerate in any other walk of life. You would not invest so much time, money and effort in your family life if your wife and kids accepted all your support and then said ‘k thanks for all your help, go watch from the stands, we got this from here’. But that’s what we do with our teams, both real and fantasy.

So when we invest in something that we lie awake at night worrying about (be that our family or fantasy team) and they let us down, we don’t usually jump at the chance to shoulder the responsibility ourselves. You don’t want to admit to your wife it was you who left the milk out all night, just as much as you don’t want to admit to the Rotogrinders forum that you thought you’d be cute and fade Russell Westbrook when Kevin Durant was out. We pass that on to some version of bad luck, or other such strange universal activities, and why wouldn’t we? When it comes to believing in something as unquantifiable as luck, sports fans are usually first in line.

A quick look at the Wikipedia page for sports related curses tells us all we need to know. Sports fans have been using bad luck in various iterations as a way to rationalize poor performances for years. As DFS players who all probably grew up as sports fans, we’ve been programmed to do this. It’s in our history and our social fabric, irrespective of which country you grew up in. If you’re American you have any number of crazy curses to latch on to, the most famous probably being Curse of the Bambino, if you’re Irish you can wallow in the tragic tale of the curse of Biddy Early, the Portuguese have the curse of Bela Guttman, the Mexicans have the Comizzo curse and Kevin Durant has Lil B.

So how do we overcome this history of curses and bad luck that follow us around as sports fans? We stop believing we have deity like powers, stop believing in our own ability to dictate what happens on a court or playing field thousands of miles away and, most importantly, stop believing that if you click a button beside a certain players name he is then destined to slip on a banana skin while observing a black cat walking under a ladder wearing a jersey with the number 13 on it. 

Now go select your players for this ridiculous 13 (because of course) game slate, sit in your lucky spot on the couch, cross your fingers and remember you have precisely zero control over what happens.  

Who is the most racist ESPN personality? A scientific study.

It was another humdrum Thursday afternoon. I was whiling away the time until it was late enough in the day where I could convince myself another day’s ‘work’ was over, when suddenly a question popped into my mind, ‘I wonder who is the most racist ESPN personality’?  

I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before. ESPN personalities occasionally spew inane bullshit that could be interpreted as racist bullshit so why not find out who spews the most? This was not a task I could take on alone however as it involved looking at a lot of people saying lots of things on a very regular basis. I needed a sidekick. Someone who could distill everything that’s ever been said by prominent ESPN personalities into quick and manageable opinions. I needed the Internet.

I choose seven of what I considered to be some of the most prominent people working at the worldwide leader. I tried to pick from a variety of demographics and ethnicities that accurately represented ESPN’s hiring policies but I realized that could be quite time consuming so I picked the first seven that popped into my head instead. But that was the easy part. It’s ranking the seven and crowning a winner that would take all the work. But then I realized something. In the year 2015 we do not need to pour over hours of dialogue and conduct thorough analysis. No. In this day and age, if you want an answer, you type it in to Google. In fact, you don’t even need to construct coherent sentences, just go with the most important words and click search. So that’s what I did. The following is a list of the top seven racists working at ESPN, as per the Internet.

No.7 Jemele Hill – 12,500

I don’t know a huge amount about Jemele Hill except that I see her alongside the human shouting machine that is Michael Smith a lot during the afternoons. I also vaguely remember reading about her getting disciplined by ESPN a few years back for something, but I was a bit sketchy on the details. Anyway, the Internet doesn’t seem to have labelled her much of a racist which is nice for her. It has however taken over her own personal domain name.

The second search that popped up directed me to jemelhill.com/controversies which I thought was a brave and transparent way for Jemele to deal with any missteps she my have had in her career. It was not. I naturally assumed jemelehill.com was her own promotional site but it seems to be some sort Jemele Hill hate site but was also maybe, possibly once owned and operated by Jemele herself. It’s confusing. I’m not very au fait with domain name ownership. There’s also a completely random review of some 1990’s movie called Flatliners. This website is very strange. The real Jemele Hill should try to get it taken down.

Anyway, as for racism there is some reference to Hill being labelled a race baiter by the same ridiculous website and then a lot of stuff about her being racially abused by some absolute knucklehead who wrote in to ESPN which she dealt with in an amazingly mature and restrained way. 

No. 6 Michael Wilbon – 13,200

Woah. The Internet is not messing around with this one. The first result is a headline with the title ‘Michael Wilbon is a racist bigot’. A quick scan of the post on the IGN boards tells me that this rational person believes Michael Wilbon is a ‘racist bigot’ because Wilbon doesn’t think Michael Phelps is the greatest Olympian ever. It’s not exactly Riley Cooper levels of overt racism but the poster backs up his assertion by claiming Wilbon also thinks Tiger Woods is better than Jack Nicklaus. Well I guess that’s that then, IGN poster has provided us with an open and shut case.

The more interesting results come from pieces written on the topic of what Wilbon said about Jurgen Klinsmann last year when he angrily told Klinsmann to ‘get the hell out of America'. As someone born in another country who comments on American sports, it’s pretty unpleasant to watch someone like Michael Wilbon tell a well respected sportsman from a European country to ‘get the hell out’ because he dared to offer an opinion on an American sports star. Wilbon comes across as a cranky old man who seems to personally dislike Klinsmann, not an impartial journalist commenting on a news story. For the record, Klinsmann was commenting on the insane contract given to Kobe Bryant, you know, the contract that almost everybody agreed was crazy and based solely on what Kobe had done in the past, not what he could do for the Lakers in the future. Which was exactly what Klinsmann said. 

No. 5 Colin Cowherd – 15,800

I was expecting more from excitable sports forums on this one. I’ve personally come across articles accusing Cowherd of racism so a paltry 15,800 hits is a disappointment. Still, there’s plenty of articles that flat out label Cowherd as a racist so what he lacks in search results, he makes up for in relevant content.

Cowherd’s said some dumb things about John Wall that certainly seemed tinged with racist overtones and he has in turn been labelled an ardent racist because of them. Mainly on sites like Deadspin, who practically wet themselves when an opportunity to attack an ESPN personality arises. I actually like Deadspin, but I also don’t think Colin Cowherd is the living, breathing incarnation of D.W Griffith. He hosts a solo radio show for a couple of hours everyday, I’m sure he’s said lots of stupid things and some of them have probably been tinged with a degree of racism.

By the looks of it, Colin Cowherd is a conservative leaning libertarian who probably views people from poor, underprivileged backgrounds with a degree of skepticism. He deserves to be called out when he makes ignorant remarks about John Wall and others, but some of the sanctimonious articles written about him use the same rush-to-judgement and sensationalist tactics that they themselves scold him for.

No. 4 Skip Bayless – 63,000

Bayless seems to bring out the worst in people. People either think his daily ‘hot take’ offerings are the equivalent of Christ himself indulging in a live read of the bible, or they react to him like this

@RealSkipBayless ME STEPHEN A SMITH WILL ANAL UR HOE MOM AND JIZZ DOWN HER THROAT AND MAKE YOU DRINK THE JIZZ SHE PISSES ON FIRST TAKE BITCH
— Peyton Kershaw (@jimmyystewartt) February 16, 2015

Bayless irritates me but it’s usually a waste of time to get annoyed by people who specifically set out on their daily show to annoy you. As for Skip’s racism potential, again like Cowherd (and in comparison to our surprise run away winner) I expected more. Large swathes of the public detest him when he talks about anything, I would have assumed more people had branded him a racist. You constantly amaze and surprise me Internet.

As for the search results themselves, some guy has a youtube video labelled ‘Skip Bayless…the greatest racist of all time’ in which he actually defends Bayless from accusations of racism. Classic click bait headline ‘JerryNBATalkTV’, well done sir.

And then I found the only true bastion of truth on the Internet, Yahoo answers. Someone actually asked Yahoo answers ‘Is Skip Bayless racist’? which I guess is just one step removed from what I’m doing so who am I to criticize. One answer begins by saying ‘Bayless is not a racist!’ and, misunderstanding what the word ‘source’ means, they cite a story about O.J Simpson and Jimmy the Greek as their ‘source’. Moving on….

No. 3 Mike Greenberg – 118,000

This one was a shock. I put Greenberg in to add some balance. I was confident there were some names that would draw big numbers so Greenberg was there to prove that not all ESPN personalities had been accused of racism and then I find this.

It was an unfortunate slip of the tongue and the Internet went crazy, as is their wont. Poorly constructed articles were written, incendiary debates were had and nobody actually took it very seriously but in amongst all the online rage was one of the greatest uses of #your I’ve seen in a while

Bryan Alwyn Jones, I salute you.

No. 2 Bill Simmons – 445,000

Simmons is quite the polarizing figure and much of it stems from an obvious place, his huge success. And I mean that in two ways. Simmons started off as a voice of the ‘normal’ fan. He was funny and authentic and he was also trying hard to build a career for himself. Now he has a career that involves writing, podcasting, producing TV shows and much more. He’s hugely successful. You don’t need to go very far to find a Bill Simmons product and people hate him for it. They also dislike him because his product has become diluted, he’s moved outside of his comfort zone and he’s stretching himself too far instead of focusing on what he’s good at.

Similar to his friend Cowherd, Simmons (who Deadspin also dislike) has said some dumb things that people have used to label him a racist. There was his comment about Memphis that inspired a piece entitled ‘Your favorite basketball writer is probably a little bit racist’ and his misguided views on players with dreadlocks. These events do not show Simmons as a racist, they show Simmons doing what he always does, placing sporting events into certain ‘Bill Simmons type’ categories and discussing sports like he thinks you discuss sports with your friends. He’s not a racist but he’s probably made his fair share of questionable remarks from time to time that you give your friend a pass on and crucify the talking head on TV for.

No. 1 Stephen A Smith – 1,280,000

How about this for a runaway winner? I guess it was always obvious that a prominent black male would get the most hits from this type of search. Smith enjoys controversy and has gotten into some trouble with members of the black community for his use of the ‘n word’ on First Take. And the other side of it is, unfortunately, his success and loud mouth personality probably drive ardent racists to the message boards in droves.

Just like Greenberg, Stephen A. had a slip of the tongue live on air and he issued a half apology denying he had said anything. It was a lot of fuss over nothing. He then agreed with Mark Cuban when Cuban stated that we all have prejudices against some people, which is entirely true, and people jumped on him for it. What’s more interesting is that a Google search of ‘stephen a smith sexist’ generated only 389,000 results. Smith was suspended by ESPN for remarks he made about the Ray Rice case and I would have assumed it had left a bigger Google footprint than any race controversy. People are obviously more interested in discussing race relations than any issues that may relate to sexism.

So that's the top seven in this entirely scientific experiment. For reference I decided to type my own name + racist into Google and it got the largest result of all so you know, this may not have been the most accurate case study of all time. Or else, the Internet is not to be questioned, I’m a massive racist and this whole thing has blown up in my face. 

An Irishman in America

‘What’s Ireland like’?  ‘What do you miss most about Ireland’?

These are the two most common questions I get when people either notice my, albeit fading, Irish accent or when my ‘Irishness’ presents itself in some other fashion.

For most people, these questions are merely conversation fillers to be treated with not more than a moment’s thought and frequent mentions of Guinness, the GAA, and other generic answers that evoke stereotypical images of Ireland, but I’ve always struggled with the appropriate, or at least personally accurate, answers to these questions.

It’s not as if they are particularly hard to answer and I wouldn’t be lying if I used the stock ‘friends and family’ answer but they are moments that cause you to reflect on what it means to be Irish and more specifically on what it means to be Irish in another country.

I arrived in New York on December 31^st 2013 and outside of a two-week trip back last summer I’ve now been away for over one year. I can’t say I specifically left because of the terrible economy and lack of job opportunities, but they certainly didn’t give me much pause as I went through the arduous process of getting a one-year graduate visa. 

I left because I wanted to leave Ireland and because I wanted to live in America. By and large the move has been a success and the moments of regret have been few and far between. I haven’t found the American economy to be any more forgiving than the Irish one but I have been lucky enough to get married and begin my application for residency.

As the months have rolled into a full year I’ve often found myself wondering about my relationship with Ireland. I find it similar to having a contentious relationship with a close friend. You criticize, complain and move away from the person but you still feel close and often think about the good times you had.

I was reminded of this relationship when the polarizing figure of Conor McGregor popped up on my TV screen in the middle of the NFL playoffs. On one of the biggest events on the American sporting calendar, here was a paddy-hat-wearing Conor McGregor speaking directly to millions of American people.

This elicited mixed emotions in me and encapsulated many of the conflicting thoughts I have in relation to Ireland. I find McGregor eminently dislikable. His preening and cocky personality, that seem rooted in an overwrought sense of Irish nationalism, make my shudder when I think of the millions of Americans who view him as a true representation of Ireland.

He seems to have distilled what it means to be Irish down to the waving of the tricolor, making obnoxious remarks about his opponents and being the walking embodiment of the ‘fighting Irish’ caricature. He represents a part of Ireland I have no interest in and in truth, I wanted him to lose the fight he was on the screen promoting.

Or did I? Because despite my initial reaction I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pride as I watched the American broadcasters discuss him and his loud mouth personality. If they were celebrating him, why couldn’t I? This question was brought into even clearer focus as I witnessed McGregor dismantle his German opponent Dennis Siver later that night. I couldn’t help but feel proud of an Irish sportsman excelling in front of a global audience.

As I watched the over excitable people of Fox Sports celebrate McGregor, I realized there are still many occasions where I enjoy being labelled as ‘the Irish guy’. When you live abroad it’s as if all other facets of your personality are superseded by your nationality but I still enjoy those moments when people realize I am ‘real Irish’ and not just second or third generation. I love when there’s a positive news story about Ireland or when I notice something that we just do better than the Americans (charging for plastic bags being one of the most obvious ones).

What McGregor did was remind me of the parts of Ireland I do not miss or want to be associated with but when they’re framed in terms of living outside of Ireland they take on a different meaning. McGregor and his shtick are embarrassing but I can take them or leave them. Condemn his distasteful manner but rejoice in his sporting prowess.  Although slightly embarrassing, McGregor becomes strangely more palatable outside of Ireland.

And that’s where my relationship with Ireland stands at the moment. There are people, places and memories that I miss, but it can be comforting to just reminisce about them and paint them with a fine coat of nostalgia instead of interacting with them.   

As for an answer to the question, I haven’t found the perfect response yet except to say that I miss plenty of things about Ireland, while quietly avoiding the parts I’m glad to be away from.

Top Ten Moments of the 2014 NFL Season

When we talk about the 2014 NFL season in 50 years time we’ll probably talk about Ray Rice, Roger Goodell, Adrian Peterson and the general specter of domestic violence that surrounded the NFL last year. It might be a positive conversation as we look back on 2014 as a turning point but whatever form it takes, it will almost certainly revolve around the unpleasant events of the last 12 months.

They dominated much of the football landscape throughout the season and overshadowed many of the on the field moments. Not to overlook these important issues but instead to celebrate the reason we love the game I decided to take a look back at the top moments of the 2014 NFL season. Following a very intricate, scientific process I developed a ranking system based around complicated algorithms that would take far too long to explain here so you're just going to have to trust me. Let’s get started. 

10. Johnny Football’s debut against the Bengals

I feel slightly dirty putting this in a top 10 as it had almost no relevance in terms of results, playoff races or championships but come on, who wasn’t at least a tiny bit excited when it was announced that after 15 long weeks Johnny Manziel was finally going to start a game? Manziel came in to the year as one of the most hyped draft picks in recent memory but the selection of Brian Hoyer as the Browns starting quarterback had robbed us of an opportunity to watch him in a game that actually meant something. So finally, here was a chance for Manziel to prove his worth on the field, to make people analyze his game film as opposed to his private life and to show the world that he was worthy of being a first round pick. What happened instead was classic car crash TV. The Bengals chased, harried, hit and mocked Manziel as he threw for 80 yards with two interceptions. For the people who see Manziel as being an arrogant, spoilt, rich kid it was the perfect outcome and proof that he doesn't belong in the NFL. For the rest of us, it was a rather sad but undoubtedly captivating game that left Manziel’s NFL future up in the air.

9. The Chargers beat the 49ers in overtime

This might be another unusual choice for a ‘top ten of the year’ type piece but the Chargers 49ers game was, in terms of excitement, one of the games of the year. On a Saturday night in the lead up to Christmas the Chargers came back from a 21 point deficit to stay alive in the playoff race. Rivers threw for 356 yards and Kaepernick, for what seemed like the first time all season, actually decided to use his athletic ability as he rushed for 151 yards with the bulk of that coming on a 90 yard run from his own ten-yard line. As neither team managed to make the post season the game was quickly forgotten but the Philip Rivers led second half comeback was one of the hidden highlights of the year.

8. The Saints get crushed by the Panthers in the Superdome

This game represents the Saints entire season. It seemed like they went from one crushing defeat at home to another and this was the largest and most disappointing of them all. The Saints were ten point favorites coming into this game, a Vegas line that was clearly still expecting to see a Saints team that many people had winning the Super Bowl in the pre season as opposed to the one that had already lost to the 49es, Bengals and Ravens at home. The loss dropped the Saints to 5-8 and basically scuppered any chance they had of making the post season. For the Panthers, it signaled a somewhat surprising push for the playoffs and basically encapsulated both teams’ seasons. Carolina defied their many critics and made the post season for the second consecutive year. The Saints, on the other hand, finished with a 7-9 record and most disappointingly of all a 3-5 record at the once imposing Superdome.

7 The Seahawks beat the Packers on opening night

Seattle’s win against Green Bay on a balmy opening night in September seems like a lifetime away as I watch even more snow fall outside my window in February, but in terms of playoff and ultimately Super Bowl ramifications this game was as important as any. Seattle gaining home field advantage over Green Bay in the Championship game came down to this 36-16 win in week 1.

This opening night victory will ultimately be remembered for Green Bay’s decision to avoid Richard Sherman completely but it also gave us an indication of the strong Marshawn Lynch season ahead. Written off by many before the season started Lynch rushed for 110 yards with two touchdowns as the reigning champions continued their home field dominance. Although they faltered mid season, their manhandling of the Packers proved that Seattle would again be one of the top teams for the upcoming season.

6. The Bengals beat the Broncos to seal a playoff spot

This is the only Broncos moment I have in the top ten and just like the Saints selection, this loss to the Bengals offers a neat summation of the Broncos season. Despite a surprisingly strong CJ Anderson led run game and an improved defense they couldn’t quite overcome Manning’s poor form in the latter weeks of the season. Manning threw two interceptions in the fourth quarter and the Broncos gave up any chance they had of getting the No.1 seed. It’s unlikely it would have mattered as they ended up with arguably the easier game against the Colts at home as opposed to hosting the Ravens, but the loss to the Benglas in a big week 16 game was indicative of another Broncos season that promised so much but ended in disappointment.

5. The Cowboys beat the Seahawks in Seattle

In the ESPN match report for this game they categorize this result as ‘not stunning’. That seems strange. The Seahawks were the reigning Super Bowl champions who were practically unbeatable at home. They came in to the game as 9.5 point favorites and although the Cowboys had already strung together four, the only victory of note had come against the Saints, and that was in the confines of AT&T Stadium. Nobody was taking the Cowboys seriously, until they went to Seattle and won. They moved to 5-1 after this game as Seattle slipped to 3-2. The most interesting part of the box score is Marshawn Lynch getting only 10 carries, with Wilson throwing the ball 28 times. Percy Harvin was traded in the days after this loss and although Seattle would lose again to the Rams, these games marked a change in Seattle’s offensive philosophy. They began to put the ball in Marshawn’s hands more as they realized it would be him, as opposed to their average receiving core, that could win them another Super Bowl. Well, right up until the last meaningful play of the year that is. As for the Cowboys, this game showcased their marauding offensive line and proved to the rest of the league that they were legitimate contenders who could go anywhere and win. 

4. Big Ben throws 6 Touchdowns against the Colts. And then 6 more against the Ravens the week after. 

I’m cheating slightly by putting two games together but I couldn’t make a top ten list without mentioning what Roethlisberger did in weeks eight and nine. His combined stats for the two games were 65/86 for 862 yards with 12 touchdowns and zero interceptions. The Colts game was statistically more impressive as Roethlisberger went 40/49, with a total QBR of 99.0 and a passer rating of 150.6. It also included Andrew Luck throwing for 400 yards and a game total of 85 points. If you like offensive football and you’re in the depths of depression because it’s early Feburary and it feels like football is so far away now that it just makes you want to break down and cry; fire up the Steelers Colts game on Game Rewind, grab a Bud Light and turn those tears of sadness into tears of joy.

3. The Patriots beat the Bengals 43-17 in week 5

With the Patriots winning the Super Bowl, this Bengals victory now looks like the catalyst for another dominating Patriots season. People over reacted to their loss against the Chiefs the previous week, but in truth the Patriots had been struggling all season long. They lost to the Dolphins and struggled to beat the Raiders at home.  The ‘should Tom Brady be benched for Garoppolo’ questions were always ridiculous but the Patriots really did need this victory to right the ship. They got it behind 292 yards from Brady and 113 rushing yards from the soon-to-be-injured Stevan Ridley. They went on to win another six in a row and although they lost to the Packers (and to the Bills in a meaningless week 17 game) they never really looked back after this dominating victory.

2. Odell Beckham catches a pass. World momentarily stops turning.

How about that for a hyperbolic headline? Similar to the Johnny Manziel's selection, this didn’t have any impact in terms of meaningful results (the Giants actually lost the game) but in terms memorable of moments, there was none bigger than Beckham’s catch against the Cowboys.

He went on to make numerous highlight reel plays throughout the season and he’s seemingly turned slow motion pre game catches into a thing now, but this one will live long in the memory. I’m not breaking new ground when I see that it was an unbelievable catch. And I mean ‘unbelievable’ in its literal form. In the seconds after the catch, Collingsworth and Michaels couldn’t actually believe it had happened. In the age of instant reaction where everything is poured over to the nth degree it was nice to witness a moment that almost everybody could agree was just fantastic fun to watch.

1 The Chiefs destroy the Patriots in Arrowhead

You could make a case for the victory against the Bengals as the most important moment but in relation to what happened later in the year, this loss against the Chiefs becomes even more relevant. When we think about the Patriots and specifically Brady and Belichick, we think about success and victories. Yes they were under pressure going into that Bengals game but to see them deliver that

performance wasn’t totally surprising. To see them get completely dismantled on offence and defence by a slightly above average Chiefs team was a shock. This was a Monday night, prime time game with the pressure on. The type of game where you expect a big Patriots performance, and they were terrible. Brady was pressured all night as he was outplayed by Alex Smith and eventually taken out of the game in the fourth quarter. They looked like a very mediocre football team. They did not look like a team capable of winning a championship and yet just over four months later, here we are in the shadow of another Patriots Super Bowl win. Whatever happened in the days after this loss, whether it was technical adjustments, embarrassment after such a heavy defeat or a general feeling of ‘we’re never going through that again’ it fueled the Patriots to another Super Bowl winning season.

I can’t stop hate watching ESPN’s First Take

9.59am – 13^th January 2015

I wish I could lie to you and tell you I was doing something far more substantial before I decided to commit another two hours of my life to Skip Bayless and Stephen A Smith. But the truth I was I was lying, (but upright lying, you know, the type where you trick yourself into believing you are doing some work) on the couch desperately trying to think of something to write for the day when First Take was about to begin and I was struck with a sense of creative urgency.

Just know that, this is not what I wanted, this is not what I intended, this is not what my parents wanted for me but here we are. It’s 9.59am on the morning of the 13^th of January and I’m going to watch the full two hours of ESPN’s First Take.

10.00am

‘Say what, say what, what’s wrong with all these haters’? A poignant question to start proceedings but I’m not able for that level of introspection just yet.

So much ‘hater’ talk in the theme tune. They know their audience pretty well it seems.

Is Stephen A late here? He seems to give zero fucks. Good for him. I don’t think anyone could argue that Skip has got to be a giant pain in the ass to work with.

A quick visit to rap genius tells me that Wale recorded this song specifically for the show. Is having your career and creative output connected to Skip Bayless a thing now? Did I miss that?

10.01am

This guy.

This hooting and hollering beforehand is funny. Obviously First Take have some sort of hype guy and a poor unfortunate P.A whose sole job it is to get the crowd cheering before the show starts but they all seem genuinely into it. In fact, last week I saw some guy kissing a cardboard cut out of Skip’s face…I shit you not. I guess the allure of being on live television will make you do crazy things.

And we’ve started. Stephen A is browsing his laptop. He’s so nonchalant. It’s his thing. That’s why people love him.

Carrie is welcoming everybody and professing her love for the audience. My bullshit meter has already been activated.

On that point though, this will be a Cari bashing free zone. She’s great. A smart, sophisticated, professional who’s just doing her job. Any cringe worthy comment she makes are symptomatic of the show’s set up. What we will be doing however, is counting the scorching HOT TAKES.

Skip is being hailed as a conquering hero, “SKIP, SKIP, SKIP” the crowd roars. If you go to a recording of First Take, fine, who am I to judge, hell I’m sitting here analyzing it like the Zapruder film. But if at said recording you yell ‘SKIP, SKIP, SKIP’, I will immediately assume you have a low I.Q.

This is how Stephen A. reacts to his introduction. Check out our Seahawks boy in the background.

10.02 Cari just told SAS to shut up because he interrupted her intros. It took her saying ‘hold on’ about eight times as he attempted to shout over her but still, it’s an alarmingly positive start.

10.04. Here we go, Skip’s up first.

10.05. Not the scorching hot take we were hoping for but Skip reckons Mariota shouldn’t even be drafted in the first round now? I’m no college football expert but I’m willing to guess a quick Google search or two would probably discredit this assertion. But that’s Skip’s way, he’s just out there alone on an island with his sideways and fearless look at the sporting world, that are invariably proven to be absolute horse shit.

I'll say it AGAIN: Give me RG3 over Luck - any day, any night, any year, any career.
— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) October 15, 2012

Skip claims he doesn’t want to be a prisoner of the moment….should probably pack up the suitcase full of Mountain Dew and head home so Skip.

He’s now claiming he doesn’t want to overreact. We’re less than five minutes into the show, I mean, WTF. You’re a professional over reactor Skip, the entire world knows this.  Shit, I’m getting annoyed already.

Skip’s now pulled out the ‘in all my years of covering sports’ line. One of his patented favorites. Skip will never tire of reminding you that HE HAS COVERED PROFESSIONAL SPORTS FOR A VERY LONG PERIOD OF TIME.

I hope this turns into a rational, calm debate soon or else we’re staring at 10,000 words people.

10.06 Ok Skip said something I agree with. The fact Cardale Jones just won a National Championship is pretty amazing.

Skip’s going eye test. If we do eventually develop a reliable cure for AIDS, it will never be as strong and definitve as the Skip eye test. That’s just a fact.

Skip mentioning all the people he talks to around the league. How many people ‘around the league’ do you think communicate with Skip on a professional level? I’m setting the over under at 2. And that’s generous.

10.08 Stephen A’s chance to respond. Quick side note here, it seems clear that Skip does actually know a lot more about football than SAS. Stephen A. is a fantastic bluffer, and great at shouting but he rarely says anything of substance.  

GONG! First hot take of the morning. Stephen A ‘you don’t teach 6’5’’, you don’t teach 260 lbs, you don’t teach the ability to run the football;’ #analysis.

10.09 Stephen A. ‘What does he do in his very second game’? What? Little known fact about First Take. For all the needlessly extravagant words that Stephen A. likes to use as a way to impress the viewers, he regularly screws up basic grammar and sentence structure.

10.10. Stephen A. ‘There is nothing wrong with being critical of him as it pertains to prognostications about how he is going to do.’ This took numerous rewinds to accurately transcribe. He also fumbled and stumbled his way through it. Dude, just say ‘it’s ok to wonder about how Mariota will do in the NFL’ it’s clearer and you don’t come across as trying so damn hard to impress people.

10.12 Skip’s Mariota bashing again. Is Mariota just his new Luck/Rodgers/LeBron?

10.13 GONG! Second one on the board. Skip ‘JAMEIS WINSTON WAS BORN ACCURATE’. He didn’t really shout it but it feels like everything Skip says naturally translates to all caps.

Skip’s gut is telling him things, we’re warming up now folks.

10.14 Stephen A. doesn’t think Jimbo Fisher is Urban Meyer. Clears up a question no one was asking.  

10.15 GONG! Skip - ‘JAMEIS WINSTON HAS A HIGH FOOTBALL I.Q”

10.16 GONG! We’re rolling now, Stephen A. “The NFL is a true man’s game.” He prefaced this with some twaddle about salary caps, or not salary caps, or guaranteed contracts, or not. He gets so many things mixed up, it’s comical. But back to the hot take, he loses points for not saying ‘THE NATIONAL.FOOTBALL.LEAGUE’ while hammering the desk.

10.17 Stephen A. is reiterating the point, ‘go inside an NFL locker room, these are men, bro’ So far what I’ve got from SAS is a bunch of stats about last night’s game, the fact that Jimbo Fisher is not Urban Meyer and that men play in the NFL. 

10.18 Cari again proving she’s above the hot take environment of the show. While throwing out Peyton Manning’s post season record and him having lost the most playoff games, she points out the obvious, that to be in a position to lose the most playoff games you need to be make it to a whole lot of post seasons, win a whole lot of games and in general have a pretty amazing career. This secondary point was almost certainly not on the script. I’m almost sure it would have read something like this ‘PEYTON MANNING LOST MOST PLAYOFF GAMES EVER = NOT CLUTCH = NOT TEBOW’ Discuss.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh, Peyton Manning ‘legacy’ debate coming up. I’m beginning to regret doing this.

10.20 Skip’s mind is blown by a team losing at home against another team. They could have had (and probably did have) this exact same debate last year, word for word.

Skip is describing Peyton Manning’s post season losses as an ‘incredible phenomenon’ No Skip, the ‘Door to Hell’ in Turkmenistan is an incredible phenomenon, not a man losing a certain amount of football games. Seriously, check that thing in Turkmenistan out, it’s ‘mind blowing’ as Skip would say.  

10.22 The simplistic binary of wins and losses as a way to define a player’s career is one of the most annoying things in sport. It is rivaled only by the ‘quarterback A lost to quarterback B, therefore quarterback A is superior to quarterback B’ narrative. SAS is currently using this as a way to prove Andrew Luck is better than Peyton Manning. There are lots of ways to discuss the possibility of Luck being a superior QB to Manning, the result of a team game is just a small portion of the discussion. On First Take, it IS the discussion.            

10.25 Skip’s back to discrediting Manning’s super bowl win as it came against Rex Grossman. You’re right Skip, Peyton should have refused to play unless the NFL came up with a suitable opponent so as to have more ammunition when it came to his ‘legacy debate’ years down the line.

10.25 SAS has managed to bring his man crush Floyd Mayweather into the discussion and is now waxing lyrical about him and his unblemished record.

They should cut this show and have two hours of somebody shouting win loss stats instead. Black screen with rolling text of stats complete with a booming voiceover. Done and dusted. 

10.27. Oh fuck. Aaron Rodgers discussion next. Skip’s takes here will drive me to pre 12am drinking. I have a commercial break to prepare.

10.31 GONG! First desk hammer of the day by Skip. He was roaring ‘THAT WAS A CATCH’ as pounded the unfortunate desk. I don’t need to explain what he was referencing here.

This guy in the hat and glasses is loving it.

10.33 SAS just did a Rick Flair impression.

10.35 I think this set is just a huge warehouse type contraption. The acoustics must be terrible. First Take have some really quality soundmen.

10.36 SAS is uttering one boring platitude after another about Rodgers.

Incredibly, they’re back on the topic of Floyd Mayweather.

And so begins the Aaron Rodgers trolling of January 13^th.  Skip talking about Rodgers legitimately puts me in a bad mood. I need to revaluate my life.

Skip using the fact that Rodgers has the sixth highest QBR on the road this year as some sort of negative?……ok. By the way, that’s eight road games that included trips to Seattle, Buffalo and Detroit. You know, three of the best defenses in the NFL.

10.37. Skip admits he will be rooting against the Packers this weekend because they ‘robbed my Cowboys’ and then within two seconds he uses the phrase ‘in all objectivity.’ Come on Skip, this is getting too easy.

10.37. Stephen A. ‘which brings me to my point that I want to illuminate’ 

10.38. Stephen A ‘I’m so disgusted with some of these ignorant fools’ I’m with you there SAS.

10.41 SAS wants to put something on the public record. ‘He’s Aaron Rodgers’ Criticize him all you want but Stephen A. doesn’t pull punches when it comes to knowing who some people are. Jimbo Fisher, Urban Meyer, Aaron Rodgers etc.

10.42 Stephen A. is counteracting Skip’s desk pounding with some good ol fashioned shouting, desk slapping and finger pointing of his own. It’s about time.

Skip hammering home his argument with the ‘Aaron Rodgers’ QBR was only 70 on the road’ point. You know, a figure higher than 23 of the other qualifying quarterbacks total QBR, which includes home and away stats. Masterful debating tactic.

Another commercial break, phew.

10.48 We’re back with some KG Dwight Howard discussion. Basketball, so we should be in for some prime Stephen A. pontificating.

10.50 First Take is such classic ‘MTV’ television. Not only is it filled with low common denominator content, it also assumes we have the attention span of a two year old. This isn’t specific to the basketball talk, but I’ve seen the altercation between Garnett and Howard four time already and we’re only two minutes in. That’s not including the tease before the commercial break. It’s like they know there’s nothing worthwhile being said so they constantly cut away to some moving pictures to keep the couch dwelling masses entertained.

10.51 GONG! We have the first mention of Stephen A. knowing a basketball player. We didn’t get a ‘I know him personally’ or a ‘_______ _______ is a very good friend of mine’ but it’s something.

10.53 We’re now at seven replays of the Garnett Howard incident.

10.53 Eight. And this time they didn’t even cut back to the studio. Finished the one replay and rolled on straight through to the beginning of the next one.

10.53. Nine. Straight through again. Not making this up.

10.54. Ten. Woohoo, double figures.

10.55 Stephen A. ‘KG is a warrior of the highest order,’ like a samurai?

10.55 Eleven. I’m going to be seeing this in my sleep tonight.

10.56 Twelve. They cannot go more than 20 seconds without showing this clip. They’ve also shown the KG blowing in David West’s face six times within two minutes. I barely know what’s going on in the studio anymore.

10.57. Thirteen. Jesus.H.Christ.

10.57. Fourteen…………….

10.58 THEY ARE FINALLY MOVING ON!!

11.03 Skip is comparing his opinion to the opinion of the entire NFL.

11.04 GONG! EYE TEST ALERT!

11.05 Stephen A believes in Adrian Peterson. That’s the Adrian Peterson who pleaded no contest to the charge of recklessly assaulting his four-year old son.

11.06 GONG! Stephen A. ‘The NFL is a man’s game’ Maybe there’s a contractual agreement in place whereby SAS has to state this at least three times a show?

SAS’s heroes seem to be people who could easily kick the crap out of other people. He seems most excited by Floyd Mayweather, KG and the general tough guys in the NFL. Is it possible he was bullied as a child and has some sort of delayed Stockholm Syndrome?

11.07 – 11.11. Surprisingly calm and some what rational discussion about Ezekiel Elliot.  WHERE ARE THE SCORCHING HOT TAKES??!!??!!???

 #Skipgurnface

11.11 Cari is bemoaning the lack of crowd excitement. I’m no expert but if you ask me, the lackluster crowd might be directly related to the scarcity of hot takes.

11.16 Patriots talk.

11.17. We’re now entering the section of the show where Skip constantly refers to SAS by his complete name. What is up with that? What sort of egotist do you have to be to want people to use your entire name when they mention you? The pedestal these guys put themselves on, and in turn put each other on, is pretty amazing.

11.18 They’re now using some sort of soft, instrumental rock music over clips of running backs. It’s odd, but again, a distraction technique I guess.

Skip is basically reiterating the ‘fact’ that Tom Brady just won the entire game against the Ravens on his own.  He used his ‘WILL’ and ‘REFUSED’ to lose.

11.20 Stephen A ‘communicates all the time’ with Robert Kraft and he ’loves him dearly'. Now, I don’t know if this says more about me or Stephen A. but loving someone dearly is pretty strong stuff. There are six people on this earth I can say I love dearly and they’re all either related or legally bound to me. Stephen A. is a loving man.

Does he realize the more he gloats about having friendships and loving relationships with the athletes, owners and coaches he’s supposed to be commenting on, the less seriously we take his opinions and analysis? I don’t suspect he does.

11.23 SAS is shouting about Gisele Bundchen now. I’m losing the will to go on.

11.24 SAS -Jonas Gray should have been ‘slapped upside the head’ He loves him some violence.

11.26 Huge point for Skip! He shoots down any talk of Gisele, saying ‘I don’t cover her, I cover football’ Bravo Skip, bravo.

SAS manages to turn it into an opportunity to remind people he’s wearing expensive clothes. The crowd, inexplicably, loves it.

11.30 We’re back with ‘Cari’s court’ Pro tip: When thinking of a name for a segment, just use basic alliteration. That way you don’t actually have to come up with anything creative or interesting.

11.31 Joe from Houston asks SAS a question about LeBron. SAS responds by saying, ‘if Oregon had worn those colors last night, they might have won’, Skip nods in fervent agreement saying ‘I agree.’ Then this happened.

 

Now, it’s not actually clear what SAS meant by this but I’m almost certain he meant to belittle Joe from Houston. I’ve seen him do this before, he treats the audience with complete contempt and it is the most dislikable part of his personality. Anyway, Cari missing the camera cutting back to her and popping back up mid way through the shot was amusing so let’s carry on and see if SAS can avoid coming across as a self important, mean spirited, egotistical, loud mouth for the rest of the show.

11.32 SAS says that Cleveland will be better with LeBron but uses 4,238 more words than he needed.

11.33 Michelle from Arlington stumbles through her question and is clearly a bit nervous. Skip responds with some courtesy and respect. I’m beginning to think SAS is the real villain of the piece here.

11.35 SAS, in the most self important of self important tones, declares that ‘the  Dallas Cowboys would be my pick to go to the super bowl next year.’ And the crowd love it. They absolutely love it. Skip claps his approval, the crowd gasp and cheer in euphoria. And then this guy

As if it means anything. As if it means absolutely anything at all. In some way I don’t blame SAS, if people are going to take your blind pronouncements as seriously as you make them out to be, then maybe you’re on to something.

Cari calls it ‘breaking news’. Fucking hell.

Ugh, I’m done with this show.

11.38 Nonsensical, re-trodden, blind proclamations about the Mayweather Pacquiao fight. Which is of course, nowhere on the horizon. A First Take speciality.

11.39 A young lady pleads with SAS not to beat her up because of her question. I’m not even kidding. I’m hoping she’s aware of SAS’s history and is taking a subliminal shot at him.

The young girl is a journalism major so SAS responds by giving her a lecture about journalistic standards using the word ‘inobjective’. You can’t make this shit up.

11.47 We’re just going over ground covered earlier in the show now.

11.51 SAS is talking about something and using the word ‘pertains’ far too frequently.

11.59 Just when I thought I was done, there’s a ‘best of the week’ I don’t have to watch this do I?

…..

…..

I know, I know. I have to.

12.00 I’m not describing what was in ‘the best of’ except that it seemed like at one point the actual Mayor of Dallas described Skip as being ‘the best there ever was’

That’s it, I’m done with this stupid idea.