This is my first year of following the NBA regular season. There are two reasons for this. 1. I moved to the US last year so it’s the first time I’ve been able to watch the games at anything approaching a reasonable hour and 2. I enjoy playing DFS (daily fantasy sports), so once football finished there wasn’t much choice but to follow the NBA like a drug addict whose supply of heroin had suddenly been cut short.
It’s because of DFS that I now feel I know more about basketball than I do about sports I’ve followed since I was a kid like soccer, Gaelic, rugby etc. I know the back up to the back point guard in Atlanta is a guy called Shelvin Mack but I don’t know who plays in midfield for Man Utd anymore. It’s a strange feeling, but it makes sense as it’s easier to remember names of players than it is to fully understand strategic concepts. I can talk comfortably about what goes on at the breakdown during a game of rugby but don’t ask me to explain why the Knicks have failed in their attempt at running the triangle offence this year. (Rubbish players maybe?)
The NBA is still new to me. I don’t have engrained, historical allegiances with any team. I also don’t have the baggage of hating a team(s) for the majority of my life. I’m floating about in the NBA fandom ether just waiting for my heart to be captured. And maybe you’re in the same position as me? It’s quite a refreshing experience, but it can’t go on forever. We need a stable relationship. Someone we can build and grow with for years to come. And what’s the best way to look for a long-term relationship? By making a list. A list to help you sift through the madness that is looking for a favourite NBA team. So to save you the hassle, I have ranked the 30 teams in the NBA in terms of prospective fandom. Let’s start with the bottom 15.
30 LA Lakers
Starting off with a bombshell! The Lakers are one of the most successful and recognisable NBA teams. They truly are the Yankees or Man Utd of the NBA world and so becoming a fan at anytime is a questionable move. But, if you always wanted to wear that fabled gold singlet, now is your chance.The Lakers are terrible and they might stay that way for another year or two. Kobe is coming off another season ending injury, their No.1 pick from the 2014 draft also suffered a season ending injury and Linsanity mark.2 has been the high point of a season that currently sees them with the second worst record in the West. Look, the Lakers are the Lakers and if you’re destined to start supporting them, then have at it. People will view you as a dirty glory hunter who doesn’t understand what true fandom is all about, they’ll call you names behind your back and nobody will want to associate with you. Your parents will worry about what sort of child they have raised and you’ll be known as the guy with no integrity, no character and worst of all, no soul. But who cares, you’ll have Ryan Kelly and Robert Sacre on your side!
29 Denver Nuggets
From January 16th through March 1st the Nuggets went 2-19. They were a living, breathing, dumpster fire of a team. On March 3rd they fired their head coach Brian Shaw. They have gone 6-3 since, with their three losses coming against the Spurs, Rockets and Grizzlies. Sport can be cruel sometimes. If I was compiling this list in the middle of that atrocious run, the Nuggets might have beaten out the Lakers for the last spot but with a rejuvenated Kenneth Faried and a team no longer playing for a coach they don’t respect, things are looking up for Denver right now. Grass is always greener and all that. But before you jump in bed with the Nuggets you should know this. The Nuggets are owned by Stan Kroenke. Kroenke owns four other Americans sports’ franchises. He is also the largest shareholder of premier league team Arsenal. And here’s the best part. He’s married to Ann Walton Kroenke, who is, you guessed it, an heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune. If you think these people need anymore support, you should probably reassess your priorities in life.
28 Brooklyn Nets
The Brooklyn Nets depress me. They are a team just plodding along seemingly content at not being very good and not completely tanking. I could almost forget there is a basketball team in Brooklyn, which is ironic as they are one of the only teams I’ve watched live. The Nets are only worthy of a mention as a hip-hop fandom pivot off the Raptors and Drake. Jay Z is permanently linked to the franchise although he no longer owns a stake in the team. Their home arena is fantastic, the team is the very definition of average. You can do better.
27 New York Knicks
26 Charlotte Hornets
I thought the Hornets were still called the Bobcats and had written this whole thing about how I felt unsure of whether I liked that name or not. But it turns out they are the Hornets again. It always fascinates me when franchises change names, never mind when they go back to a previous name. What prompts that? Do they prefer bees over large cats? Is the market for hornet branded companies particularly strong right now? Are Bobcats like house prices in the mid 2000’s and Charlotte wanted to get out before the bubble burst? Who knows. The Bobcats Hornets are owned by a chap named Michael Jordan formerly of the Birmingham Barons. Lance Stephenson was entertaining in Indiana. He joined the Hornets last year and has become completely irrelevant. Moving on.
25 Detroit Pistons
We see the Detroit Pistons, we think Malice at the Palace. Depending on your perspective that’s either a positive or negative. For me it’s kind of a positive. Sure it brought the game into disrepute, shamed two franchises and led to some of the largest suspensions ever handed down, but it’s undeniably entertaining to watch old Youtube videos of Ron Artest leaping into the stands to attack the entire Detroit fan base as the announcers look on in horror. We'll never see anything like it again. The Pistons as an organisation have understandably tried to move past the incident but the 2015 incarnation of the team are not helping. They are 12th in the Eastern Conference, 6.5 games out of the 8th spot and have almost no chance of making the playoffs.
24 Miami Heat
23 Orlando Magic
I’ve lived in the US for over a year now and have always been fascinated with the country. The history, the diversity, the culture, everything. Except Florida. I have no interest in Florida and I especially have no interest in Disney World. Not to say the Magic are connected to Disney World but well, they named their team the ‘magic’. I’m pretty sure they were attempting to connect themselves to America’s No.1 tourist attraction. The Magic have had some great players over the years but have yet to win a title. They now have some promising young players in Elfrid Payton and Victor Oladipo. Oladipo you’ll remember from the dunk contest where he managed one spectacular dunk only to be completely overshadowed by Zach Lavine making people go completely insane. The Magic are going nowhere this year, but you could do worse than take a punt on them and their young roster going forward. Just don’t bother watching them live.
22 Indiana Pacers
The Pacers logo looks like it was designed by somebody using Microsoft Paint circa 1999. And that’s what the Pacers feel like. An old team just chugging along in the Midwest with a team name named after the Indianapolis 500’s pace cars. How drab. I’m aware this isn’t entirely fair as they have been the Heat’s main rivals in the East the last few season and once Paul George returns they might be legitimate contenders once again but still, look at their uniforms. Yellow and blue. Come on.
21 Utah Jazz
A puzzling team name on the surface until you find out that The Jazz were originally based in New Orleans, where their name made more sense than being linked to a city known more for Mormonism than jazz. Their Wikipedia page has a section entitled ‘Paul Milsap and Al Jefferson, Mediocrity’. Mediocrity is the kryptonite for sports fans. You yearn for anything other than mediocrity. Mediocrity is boring, bland and completely unremarkable. Fortunately for the Jazz and their fans they haven’t always been this way. Behind Karl Malone and John Stockton they won two conference titles in ‘97 and ‘98 but were beaten in the NBA finals both times by a Michael Jordan led Bulls. The 2015 Jazz are one of five teams in the West who are already out of playoff consideration. They also play at a very pedestrian pace, basically what I’m saying is if this were Tinder you should just swipe left and move on. (edit: Since I wrote this the Jazz have gone 7-0, maybe don’t swipe left so quick. I’ve bumped them up accordingly)
20 Sacramento Kings
I like the Kings. Mainly because I like watching DeMarcus Cousins play. He’s a big, dominating, unguardable player who is generally regarded as the best centre in the game. He’s also prone to the odd eccentric post game interview, but don’t hold it against him. Outside of Cousins, and Rudy Gay to a lesser degree, the Kings are pretty terrible. Similar to other small market teams there is contrarian value in choosing a team like Sacramento. You’re likely to be the only person sporting a Sacramento Kings jersey at the next casual Friday and with Cousins and a high draft pick at this year’s draft they might turn things around in the near future, but I’m not sold right now. Take the plunge on their vibrant black and purple colour scheme sure, but pick another team to live and die with for the next 30 years. 19 Dallas Mavericks
The Mavericks entered my realm of consciousness during the 2011 finals. I ended up a LeBron fan but at the time I was pretty apathetic towards the entire NBA world. That was until I heard about Wade and LeBron mocking German hero Dirk Nowitzki. I don’t know why but I was almost offended by their petty and juvenile behaviour. I think I felt a kin ship for Nowitzki as a European in a definitively American setting. This quickly passed and I grew to resent the Mavericks win because of the amount of times I had to hear about it in the context of discussions about Lebron’s failure in the big moments. And now, I feel almost nothing towards the Mavs. The Rondo trade looks like a disaster, Dirk is past his prime and they look exactly like the type of team who will be one and done in the playoffs.
18 Phoenix Suns
The Suns hail from (spoiler alert) Phoenix, Arizona which is where Breaking Bad was set. This gives the Suns some added bonus points in the race to become your new team of choice. Their Wikipedia page has a separate section for their mascot, The Suns Gorilla, wherein Michael Jordan is quoted as saying that Gorilla is ‘the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be’. High praise. This current Suns team are not quite on the level of their mascot but they play at a very high pace and are usually involved in high scoring, entertaining games. Their chances of winning an NBA title in the near future look slim but look, they’ve got an awesome mascot and as a new fan it’s important you learn a lesson about greed. You can't have everything, you'll never have everything and if you think about it, you don't even want everything. Life would be so boring.
17 Minnesota Timber Wolves
The Timberwolves was on of my list of favourite team names before I started writing this but I think they’ve just vaulted up to No.1 spot. A quick Google search for ‘timber wolf’ led me to any number of ‘close encounter’ style YouTube videos. It was an hour well wasted. Granted the most exciting ones were of bears but if it wasn’t for the humble timber wolf I would probably have done something far less rewarding on a Tuesday afternoon. As a basketball team The T-Wolves have the worst record in the West but they somehow feel better than that. Nobody expected them to do anything this year, and they haven’t, but as of right now they are the definite winners in the Love/Wiggins trade and between Wiggins, Rubio and another high draft pick, Minnesota could be a playoff calibre team in the next two seasons. Their only problem is that they somehow play in the Western Conference despite being over 700 miles closer to New York than Los Angeles. They're last in the West, when they could be competing for a playoff spot in the East, but things can only get better for the T Wolves.
16 Washington Wizards
The Washington Wizards. Formerly the Washington Bullets, the Capital Bullets, the Baltimore Bullets, the Chicago Zephyrs and the Chicago Packers. Washington takes the award for having the best and the worst franchise names in history. Whoever thought the Capital Bullets would energize a fan base should be sentenced to 35 push ups and 50 sit ups but the Chicago Zephyrs on the other hand, is a thing of ethereal beauty. The most recent incarnation of this team involves John Wall not being as good as he should be and Bradley Beal thinking he’s better than he is. They are sliding down the Eastern Conference standings at a rate of knots and everyone is expecting their coach to be fired any day. Not the most appealing prospect.
15 Atlanta Hawks
The Spurs of the East. The Hawks prefer a team first philosophy and are likely to grab the No.1 seed in the Eastern Conference. They eschew the star driven nature many of their rivals employ and fly under the radar of the general public. At one stage during the All Star game this year there were four Hawks players on the court at the same time. I’m willing to bet a cool $1 that the average fan of the NBA could not name those four players. They are boringly great at basketball which is fantastic for the incumbent fan but not very enticing for a prospective suitor.
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