A casual observer's guide to the NBA part 2

15 Atlanta Hawks
The Spurs of the East. The Hawks employ a team first philosophy and are likely to grab the No.1 seed in the Eastern Conference. The eschew the star driven nature many of the rivals prefer and fly under the radar of the general public. At one stage during this year's All Star game there were four Hawks players on the court at the same time. I'm willing to bet a cool $1 the average fan of the NBA could not name those four players. They are boringly great at basketball which is fantastic for the incumbent fan but not very enticing for the perspective suitor.

14 Boston Celtics 

As an Irishman there is a particular pressure to commit to Celtic’s fandom The clue is in the name and their shamrock emblazoned logo. This might be a good time to catch the historic franchise as they are on the up with a new head coach and a young roster. They probably traded Rondo at the perfect time and might even make the playoffs this year but in truth, they are a long way off getting back to where they were in the 60’s or 80’s. They don’t have the train wreck value of other previously successful franchises either and why take on the pressure of their history, if you’re going to pick an average team, go for one that’s shooting for their first ever title. It will feel that much sweeter. 

13 Philadelphia 76ers 

The Philadelphia seventyTankers! That’s awful, I’m sorry. But it’s hard to discuss the 76ers at the moment without the issue of tanking coming up. They recently traded Michael Carter Williams to the Bucks. MCW was considered by most people to be Philadelphia’s best player and one of their core building blocks for the future. Not according to GM Sam Hinkie. Hinkie is basically accumulating draft picks until he hits on the next super star. For a prospective fan, this is a great strategy. If you get in now you’ve hopefully missed the worst seasons and you might just stumble into a loaded team in 2 or 3 years time. 

12 Milwaukee Bucks 

Did you know the Bucks were a crazy 300/1 to win the title in the preseason? No one thinks they’re actually going to win it this year but they currently sit sixth in the Eastern Conference and look likely to make the playoffs. For reference, the Knicks were 50/1 to win it all preseason. They are currently 20 games behind the Bucks. The Bucks aren’t sexy but if you like playing the long game and rooting for a plucky underdog you could do worse. They also have Giannis Antetokounmpo which is simultaneously the most satisfying name to say while also being the most infuriating name to write. 

11 New Orleans Pelicans 

The Pelicans have Anthony Davis. That makes them immediately relevant in any discussion about perspective fandom. Davis is on his way to becoming the best player in the league and he’s only just turned 21. As a franchise the Pelicans have a complicated history with the Charlotte Hornets, who used to be the Bobcats, as the New Orleans Pelicans were for a time known as the New Orleans Hornets. Oh and from 2005-2007 they were the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets because of Hurricane Katrina. It’s confusing. Their arena is called the Smoothie King Center which is one of the greatest naming atrocities known to man. If you can overlook this considerable misstep then Anthony Davis might lead you to a NBA title or eight in the not too distant future.

10 Toronto Raptors 14

The Raptors Wikipedia page tells me they had a Vince Carter era, a period of struggle and then Chris Bosh rose. I don’t know where he rose from but I know he hightailed it out of Toronto to join LeBron and D Wade soon after his rise. The Raptors currently occupy the No.3 seed in the East and look set to make their second consecutive post season appearance. They are a decent, entertaining team but you get behind the the Raptors to be different. To be the only guy supporting the team from Canada. And also Drake. In fact mainly Drake, you support Toronto because of Drake.

9 Houston Rockets

Another strange team name. The Rockets were originally based in San Diego and got their name from the Atlas missile that was being developed near by. As a team name, that’s about as far fetched as they come. Their GM Daryl Morey was one of the first general managers in the league to trust and employ advanced analytics. He has built a championship contending team around James Harden and the oft injured Dwight Howard. That’s a neat synopsis of the current landscape around the team but I’m struggling for something interesting. Advanced analytics (or you know, just plain old information) has become so commonplace now that although the Rockets were one of the first teams to use it, they are not necessarily defined by it. Also James Harden is a legitimate MVP candidate who continues to a sport a very strange beard. So there you go, beards and stats, stats and beards. What more do you want!

8 San Antonio Spurs 

The Hawks of the West! I’m kidding of course, the Spurs are the originals and some would say the best. From a neutrals perspective, there’s a lot to like about the Spurs. #Wellactually, there’s one specific thing to like; their consistent level of success. They’ve missed the playoffs once in the past 25 years. They are often compared to the Patriots in terms of how much success they’ve had but unlike the Pats, the Spurs are generally revered by everybody. Popovich irritates some people with his monosyllabic interviews and unpredictable rotations but these are minor quibbles. The Spurs deserve your attention when choosing a new team. One word of warning though: although people have been writing about the Spurs getting old for about five years now, there is a chance it has actually become a real issue this year. They have not looked good for a large portion of the year and are seventh in the Western Conference. They’ll make the playoffs but, right now at least, it’s hard to see them beating some of the other heavy weights in the West.

7 Chicago Bulls 

Michael Jordan. The Bulls still live in the shadow of their greatest play as does the league to a certain extent. Jordan rose above (literally and figuratively) all other basketball activities for a stretch of seven or eight years in the 90’s. He was basketball. Jordan is long gone of course but the Bulls are back to being a competitive franchise. The only downside is that if you choose to support the Bulls you are following the herd. There’s nothing interesting in following the massively successful team from your childhood. ‘Real’ sports fans will look down on you as they fret over the fortunes of their pathetic hometown teams, but should that really influence you? No, it should not. Derrick Rose’s annual injuries are a worry but the Bulls are a worthy pick as your new favourite team. 

6 Memphis Grizzlies

Another puzzling team name on the surface until you realise the Grizzlies began life as the Vancouver Grizzlies, which makes a lot more sense. I’m sure they desperately tried to rebrand themselves using some sort of Elvis line but thankfully they stayed true to their Canadian roots. The Grizzlies are a tough team who play a defensive and slow brand of basketball. They might not be the most exciting team but they currently sit in the No.2 spot in the Western conference. They should secure home court advantage until the conference finals and could conceivably beat any team over a seven game series. Their star player is a stoic Spanish giant and they are often forgotten about with the likes of Houston, OKC and Golden State hovering up the column inches. They feel like the quiet underdogs but in reality they are one of the best teams in basketball.

5 LA Clippers 

The Clippers have moved on from the Donald Sterling controversy last year and are now owned by former Microsoft CEO and renowned dancer, Steve Ballmer. They lived in the shadow of the Lakers for so long but are now the undisputed top dogs of Los Angeles. They currently occupy the No.5 seed in the Western Conference and have managed to stay afloat despite losing Blake Griffin to injury for just over a month. The Clippers are in a nice spot. Sterling is gone, their hometown (and home court) rival’s are floundering and most importantly, they have a very small fan base. The Lakers success made the Clippers almost irrelevant up until recently which has in turn kept their levels of fandom in check. Nobody supports the Clippers outside of Los Angeles. Lakers fans are everywhere. Hitch your wagon to the talents of Chris Paul and take a ride with Billy Crystal all the way to an NBA title! 

4 Portland Trailblazers 

The Trailblazers are owned by another Microsoft alum, co-founder Paul Allen. Allen also owns the Seattle Seahawks and MLS team the Seattle Sounders. I knew this before I started writing but I nevertheless went to scope out Allen’s Wikipedia page and inadvertently ended up going down a super-yacht wormhole. Suffice to say that Allen has a rather large yacht and his Wikipedia page is filled with other information that will make you feel like a failure in life. As for the Trailblazers, I’ve always had a soft spot for Portland. It’s one of those cities I never hear much about and so I naturally assume it to be a utopian paradise made up of traffic free streets, affordable housing, a plentiful job market and a successful NBA team. Some of these things may actually be true. Also, Damian Lillard’s habit of making ridiculous,buzzer beating, series-clinching shots is a nice little bonus.

                      

3 Golden State Warriors 

If you were seeding this contest beforehand, the Warriors were probably No.1. They are the top team in the harder conference, they average the highest points scored per game, have a fantastic home crowd and they have the most exciting backcourt tandem in the league. And yet, they are almost too good to be true. Steve Kerr seems like a nice guy who hasn’t decided to turn his personality off just because he’s become coach and if you want to jump in with an exciting, supremely talented team on the rise, go right ahead but remember; winning is less enjoyable when you expect it. You want a team with some cracks in their armour, some flaws and the fear of not actually winning anything. Golden State seem a little too perfect right now.

2 Cleveland Cavaliers 

Unless you’ve been off fighting ISIS in Syria for the last few months you’ll know that Lebron went back to Cleveland last Summer and immediately turned The Cavs into a polarizing team. This might not be an ideal situation for a new fan but know this dear reader; they are starting to get really, really good. Ever since Lebron returned from his two week vacation injury Cleveland have been rolling, and are now almost certain to grab the No.2 seed.  You’re jumping on the LeBron bandwagon here which people will chastise you for but the fact that it’s tied up with supporting a team from the city of Cleveland, discounts that problem significantly. Cleveland is still the most tortured sporting city in America and most importantly, they haven’t won anything yet. So before Lebron turns the Cavs fortunes around you might want to start concocting a lie about supporting the Cavs since the Zydrunas Ilgauskas days in the mid 90’s.

1 Oklahoma City Thunder

Our No.1! The Thunder are home to reigning MVP Kevin Durant and current unstoppable force of nature and purveyor of triple doubles Russell Westbrook. I used to really dislike Westbrook, for the same reason sports fans dislike players in every sport, because I just didn’t really like his face. I’ve managed to move past this irrational bias and I now believe Westbrook to be some sort of freakishly athletic demon sent from another land as a warning and example of how they could take over our entire planet whenever they see fit. The Thunder are fun to watch and if you like to shun big city markets like New York and L.A in favour of some good ol small town values then look no further than Oklahoma. Did you know that the first yield sign was installed in Oklahoma in 1950? Or that the first shopping cart was invented and used in Oklahoma City in 1937? You probably didn’t, but just think of what other nuggets of info await if you jump on the OKC bandwagon. The Thunder have a legitimate shot in the loaded west so long as they can keep afloat while Durant is injured. With their current roster they are a danger to anyone, however, there have been murmurs that Durant and Westbrook might not be long for OKC so your long-term success as a fan might be limited. But who cares about that, when Durant and Westbrook are rolling, there isn’t a more exciting team to watch in the league.

A casual observer’s guide to the NBA

This is my first year of following the NBA regular season. There are two reasons for this. 1. I moved to the US last year so it’s the first time I’ve been able to watch the games at anything approaching a reasonable hour and 2. I enjoy playing DFS (daily fantasy sports), so once football finished there wasn’t much choice but to follow the NBA like a drug addict whose supply of heroin had suddenly been cut short.

It’s because of DFS that I now feel I know more about basketball than I do about sports I’ve followed since I was a kid like soccer, Gaelic, rugby etc. I know the back up to the back point guard in Atlanta is a guy called Shelvin Mack but I don’t know who plays in midfield for Man Utd anymore. It’s a strange feeling, but it makes sense as it’s easier to remember names of players than it is to fully understand strategic concepts. I can talk comfortably about what goes on at the breakdown during a game of rugby but don’t ask me to explain why the Knicks have failed in their attempt at running the triangle offence this year. (Rubbish players maybe?)

The NBA is still new to me. I don’t have engrained, historical allegiances with any team. I also don’t have the baggage of hating a team(s) for the majority of my life. I’m floating about in the NBA fandom ether just waiting for my heart to be captured. And maybe you’re in the same position as me?  It’s quite a refreshing experience, but it can’t go on forever. We need a stable relationship. Someone we can build and grow with for years to come. And what’s the best way to look for a long-term relationship? By making a list. A list to help you sift through the madness that is looking for a favourite NBA team. So to save you the hassle, I have ranked the 30 teams in the NBA in terms of prospective fandom. Let’s start with the bottom 15.

30 LA Lakers

Starting off with a bombshell! The Lakers are one of the most successful and recognisable NBA teams. They truly are the Yankees or Man Utd of the NBA world and so becoming a fan at anytime is a questionable move. But, if you always wanted to wear that fabled gold singlet, now is your chance.The Lakers are terrible and they might stay that way for another year or two. Kobe is coming off another season ending injury, their No.1 pick from the 2014 draft also suffered a season ending injury and Linsanity mark.2 has been the high point of a season that currently sees them with the second worst record in the West. Look, the Lakers are the Lakers and if you’re destined to start supporting them, then have at it. People will view you as a dirty glory hunter who doesn’t understand what true fandom is all about, they’ll call you names behind your back and nobody will want to associate with you. Your parents will worry about what sort of child they have raised and you’ll be known as the guy with no integrity, no character and worst of all, no soul. But who cares, you’ll have Ryan Kelly and Robert Sacre on your side!

29 Denver Nuggets

From January 16^th through March 1^st the Nuggets went 2-19. They were a living, breathing, dumpster fire of a team. On March 3^rd they fired their head coach Brian Shaw. They have gone 6-3 since, with their three losses coming against the Spurs, Rockets and Grizzlies. Sport can be cruel sometimes. If I was compiling this list in the middle of that atrocious run, the Nuggets might have beaten out the Lakers for the last spot but with a rejuvenated Kenneth Faried and a team no longer playing for a coach they don’t respect, things are looking up for Denver right now. Grass is always greener and all that. But before you jump in bed with the Nuggets you should know this. The Nuggets are owned by Stan Kroenke. Kroenke owns four other Americans sports’ franchises. He is also the largest shareholder of premier league team Arsenal. And here’s the best part. He’s married to Ann Walton Kroenke, who is, you guessed it, an heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune. If you think these people need anymore support, you should probably reassess your priorities in life.

28 Brooklyn Nets 

The Brooklyn Nets depress me. They are a team just plodding along seemingly content at not being very good and not completely tanking. I could almost forget there is a basketball team in Brooklyn, which is ironic as they are one of the only teams I’ve watched live. The Nets are only worthy of a mention as a hip-hop fandom pivot off the Raptors and Drake. Jay Z is permanently linked to the franchise although he no longer owns a stake in the team. Their home arena is fantastic, the team is the very definition of average. You can do better.

27 New York Knicks 

I watched the Knicks the other night in a morgue like MSG. It was upsetting. The Knicks make basketball look really, really hard. They are the counterpoint to what Russell Westbrook and Steph Curry do. They were destroyed by the Sacramento Kings. A team who are 22-44. The only positive is an obvious one: the allure of following a team from the ‘greatest city in the world’. If you’re a casual observer of basketball, especially if you’re from another country, you could easily find yourself supporting New York just because you want to have some connection to a city you loved visiting. If you’re a hardened basketball fan it’s probably best to stay well away from the Knicks right now.

26 Charlotte Hornets 

I thought the Hornets were still called the Bobcats and had written this whole thing about how I felt unsure of whether I liked that name or not. But it turns out they are the Hornets again. It always fascinates me when franchises change names, never mind when they go back to a previous name. What prompts that? Do they prefer bees over large cats? Is the market for hornet branded companies particularly strong right now? Are Bobcats like house prices in the mid 2000’s and Charlotte wanted to get out before the bubble burst? Who knows. The Bobcats Hornets are owned by a chap named Michael Jordan formerly of the Birmingham Barons. Lance Stephenson was entertaining in Indiana. He joined the Hornets last year and has become completely irrelevant. Moving on.

25 Detroit Pistons 

We see the Detroit Pistons, we think Malice at the Palace. Depending on your perspective that’s either a positive or negative. For me it’s kind of a positive. Sure it brought the game into disrepute, shamed two franchises and led to some of the largest suspensions ever handed down, but it’s undeniably entertaining to watch old Youtube videos of Ron Artest leaping into the stands to attack the entire Detroit fan base as the announcers look on in horror. We'll never see anything like it again. The Pistons as an organisation have understandably tried to move past the incident but the 2015 incarnation of the team are not helping. They are 12th in the Eastern Conference, 6.5 games out of the 8th spot and have almost no chance of making the playoffs. 

24 Miami Heat 

Before Hassan Whiteside blocked and rebounded his way into our lives the Heat were the most depressing franchise of the year, excluding the Knicks of course. Watching Miami Heat games early in the season was like watching the warm up band after the headliners. There was such a strong sense of living in the past. As if everyone in the American Airlines Arena was just sitting, daydreaming about what life used to be like when the world’s eyes were fixed upon LeBron and their team. The world has moved on now, as should you, except that is, for the contrarian folk among you. Hitching your wagon to the Heat now is the polar opposite of following the Heat when Lebron arrived. If you like going to music festivals on Monday mornings as everyone is leaving after partying all weekend, the Miami Heat are for you.

23 Orlando Magic 

I’ve lived in the US for over a year now and have always been fascinated with the country. The history, the diversity, the culture, everything. Except Florida. I have no interest in Florida and I especially have no interest in Disney World. Not to say the Magic are connected to Disney World but well, they named their team the ‘magic’. I’m pretty sure they were attempting to connect themselves to America’s No.1 tourist attraction. The Magic have had some great players over the years but have yet to win a title. They now have some promising young players in Elfrid Payton and Victor Oladipo. Oladipo you’ll remember from the dunk contest where he managed one spectacular dunk only to be completely overshadowed by Zach Lavine making people go completely insane. The Magic are going nowhere this year, but you could do worse than take a punt on them and their young roster going forward. Just don’t bother watching them live.

22 Indiana Pacers

The Pacers logo looks like it was designed by somebody using Microsoft Paint circa 1999. And that’s what the Pacers feel like. An old team just chugging along in the Midwest with a team name named after the Indianapolis 500’s pace cars. How drab. I’m aware this isn’t entirely fair as they have been the Heat’s main rivals in the East the last few season and once Paul George returns they might be legitimate contenders once again but still, look at their uniforms. Yellow and blue. Come on.

21 Utah Jazz

A puzzling team name on the surface until you find out that The Jazz were originally based in New Orleans, where their name made more sense than being linked to a city known more for Mormonism than jazz. Their Wikipedia page has a section entitled ‘Paul Milsap and Al Jefferson, Mediocrity’. Mediocrity is the kryptonite for sports fans. You yearn for anything other than mediocrity.  Mediocrity is boring, bland and completely unremarkable. Fortunately for the Jazz and their fans they haven’t always been this way. Behind Karl Malone and John Stockton they won two conference titles in ‘97 and ‘98 but were beaten in the NBA finals both times by a Michael Jordan led Bulls. The 2015 Jazz are one of five teams in the West who are already out of playoff consideration. They also play at a very pedestrian pace, basically what I’m saying is if this were Tinder you should just swipe left and move on. (edit: Since I wrote this the Jazz have gone 7-0, maybe don’t swipe left so quick. I’ve bumped them up accordingly)

20 Sacramento Kings

I like the Kings. Mainly because I like watching DeMarcus Cousins play. He’s a big, dominating, unguardable player who is generally regarded as the best centre in the game. He’s also prone to the odd eccentric post game interview, but don’t hold it against him. Outside of Cousins, and Rudy Gay to a lesser degree, the Kings are pretty terrible. Similar to other small market teams there is contrarian value in choosing a team like Sacramento. You’re likely to be the only person sporting a Sacramento Kings jersey at the next casual Friday and with Cousins and a high draft pick at this year’s draft they might turn things around in the near future, but I’m not sold right now. Take the plunge on their vibrant black and purple colour scheme sure, but pick another team to live and die with for the next 30 years.

19 Dallas Mavericks

The Mavericks entered my realm of consciousness during the 2011 finals. I ended up a LeBron fan but at the time I was pretty apathetic towards the entire NBA world. That was until I heard about Wade and LeBron mocking German hero Dirk Nowitzki. I don’t know why but I was almost offended by their petty and juvenile behaviour. I think I felt a kin ship for Nowitzki as a European in a definitively American setting. This quickly passed and I grew to resent the Mavericks win because of the amount of times I had to hear about it in the context of discussions about Lebron’s failure in the big moments. And now, I feel almost nothing towards the Mavs. The Rondo trade looks like a disaster, Dirk is past his prime and they look exactly like the type of team who will be one and done in the playoffs.

18 Phoenix Suns 

The Suns hail from (spoiler alert) Phoenix, Arizona which is where Breaking Bad was set. This gives the Suns some added bonus points in the race to become your new team of choice. Their Wikipedia page has a separate section for their mascot, The Suns Gorilla, wherein Michael Jordan is quoted as saying that Gorilla is ‘the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be’. High praise. This current Suns team are not quite on the level of their mascot but they play at a very high pace and are usually involved in high scoring, entertaining games. Their chances of winning an NBA title in the near future look slim but look, they’ve got an awesome mascot and as a new fan it’s important you learn a lesson about greed. You can't have everything, you'll never have everything and if you think about it, you don't even want everything. Life would be so boring. 

17 Minnesota Timber Wolves

The Timberwolves was on of my list of favourite team names before I started writing this but I think they’ve just vaulted up to No.1 spot. A quick Google search for ‘timber wolf’ led me to any number of ‘close encounter’ style YouTube videos. It was an hour well wasted. Granted the most exciting ones were of bears but if it wasn’t for the humble timber wolf I would probably have done something far less rewarding on a Tuesday afternoon. As a basketball team The T-Wolves have the worst record in the West but they somehow feel better than that. Nobody expected them to do anything this year, and they haven’t, but as of right now they are the definite winners in the Love/Wiggins trade and between Wiggins, Rubio and another high draft pick, Minnesota could be a playoff calibre team in the next two seasons. Their only problem is that they somehow play in the Western Conference despite being over 700 miles closer to New York than Los Angeles. They're last in the West, when they could be competing for a playoff spot in the East, but things can only get better for the T Wolves. 

16 Washington Wizards 

The Washington Wizards. Formerly the Washington Bullets, the Capital Bullets, the Baltimore Bullets, the Chicago Zephyrs and the Chicago Packers. Washington takes the award for having the best and the worst franchise names in history. Whoever thought the Capital Bullets would energize a fan base should be sentenced to 35 push ups and 50 sit ups but the Chicago Zephyrs on the other hand, is a thing of ethereal beauty.  The most recent incarnation of this team involves John Wall not being as good as he should be and Bradley Beal thinking he’s better than he is. They are sliding down the Eastern Conference standings at a rate of knots and everyone is expecting their coach to be fired any day. Not the most appealing prospect.

15 Atlanta Hawks

The Spurs of the East. The Hawks prefer a team first philosophy and are likely to grab the No.1 seed in the Eastern Conference. They eschew the star driven nature many of their rivals employ and fly under the radar of the general public. At one stage during the All Star game this year there were four Hawks players on the court at the same time. I’m willing to bet a cool $1 that the average fan of the NBA could not name those four players. They are boringly great at basketball which is fantastic for the incumbent fan but not very enticing for a prospective suitor.