A casual observer’s guide to the NBA

This is my first year of following the NBA regular season. There are two reasons for this. 1. I moved to the US last year so it’s the first time I’ve been able to watch the games at anything approaching a reasonable hour and 2. I enjoy playing DFS (daily fantasy sports), so once football finished there wasn’t much choice but to follow the NBA like a drug addict whose supply of heroin had suddenly been cut short.

It’s because of DFS that I now feel I know more about basketball than I do about sports I’ve followed since I was a kid like soccer, Gaelic, rugby etc. I know the back up to the back point guard in Atlanta is a guy called Shelvin Mack but I don’t know who plays in midfield for Man Utd anymore. It’s a strange feeling, but it makes sense as it’s easier to remember names of players than it is to fully understand strategic concepts. I can talk comfortably about what goes on at the breakdown during a game of rugby but don’t ask me to explain why the Knicks have failed in their attempt at running the triangle offence this year. (Rubbish players maybe?)

The NBA is still new to me. I don’t have engrained, historical allegiances with any team. I also don’t have the baggage of hating a team(s) for the majority of my life. I’m floating about in the NBA fandom ether just waiting for my heart to be captured. And maybe you’re in the same position as me?  It’s quite a refreshing experience, but it can’t go on forever. We need a stable relationship. Someone we can build and grow with for years to come. And what’s the best way to look for a long-term relationship? By making a list. A list to help you sift through the madness that is looking for a favourite NBA team. So to save you the hassle, I have ranked the 30 teams in the NBA in terms of prospective fandom. Let’s start with the bottom 15.

30 LA Lakers

Starting off with a bombshell! The Lakers are one of the most successful and recognisable NBA teams. They truly are the Yankees or Man Utd of the NBA world and so becoming a fan at anytime is a questionable move. But, if you always wanted to wear that fabled gold singlet, now is your chance.The Lakers are terrible and they might stay that way for another year or two. Kobe is coming off another season ending injury, their No.1 pick from the 2014 draft also suffered a season ending injury and Linsanity mark.2 has been the high point of a season that currently sees them with the second worst record in the West. Look, the Lakers are the Lakers and if you’re destined to start supporting them, then have at it. People will view you as a dirty glory hunter who doesn’t understand what true fandom is all about, they’ll call you names behind your back and nobody will want to associate with you. Your parents will worry about what sort of child they have raised and you’ll be known as the guy with no integrity, no character and worst of all, no soul. But who cares, you’ll have Ryan Kelly and Robert Sacre on your side!

29 Denver Nuggets

From January 16^th through March 1^st the Nuggets went 2-19. They were a living, breathing, dumpster fire of a team. On March 3^rd they fired their head coach Brian Shaw. They have gone 6-3 since, with their three losses coming against the Spurs, Rockets and Grizzlies. Sport can be cruel sometimes. If I was compiling this list in the middle of that atrocious run, the Nuggets might have beaten out the Lakers for the last spot but with a rejuvenated Kenneth Faried and a team no longer playing for a coach they don’t respect, things are looking up for Denver right now. Grass is always greener and all that. But before you jump in bed with the Nuggets you should know this. The Nuggets are owned by Stan Kroenke. Kroenke owns four other Americans sports’ franchises. He is also the largest shareholder of premier league team Arsenal. And here’s the best part. He’s married to Ann Walton Kroenke, who is, you guessed it, an heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune. If you think these people need anymore support, you should probably reassess your priorities in life.

28 Brooklyn Nets 

The Brooklyn Nets depress me. They are a team just plodding along seemingly content at not being very good and not completely tanking. I could almost forget there is a basketball team in Brooklyn, which is ironic as they are one of the only teams I’ve watched live. The Nets are only worthy of a mention as a hip-hop fandom pivot off the Raptors and Drake. Jay Z is permanently linked to the franchise although he no longer owns a stake in the team. Their home arena is fantastic, the team is the very definition of average. You can do better.

27 New York Knicks 

I watched the Knicks the other night in a morgue like MSG. It was upsetting. The Knicks make basketball look really, really hard. They are the counterpoint to what Russell Westbrook and Steph Curry do. They were destroyed by the Sacramento Kings. A team who are 22-44. The only positive is an obvious one: the allure of following a team from the ‘greatest city in the world’. If you’re a casual observer of basketball, especially if you’re from another country, you could easily find yourself supporting New York just because you want to have some connection to a city you loved visiting. If you’re a hardened basketball fan it’s probably best to stay well away from the Knicks right now.

26 Charlotte Hornets 

I thought the Hornets were still called the Bobcats and had written this whole thing about how I felt unsure of whether I liked that name or not. But it turns out they are the Hornets again. It always fascinates me when franchises change names, never mind when they go back to a previous name. What prompts that? Do they prefer bees over large cats? Is the market for hornet branded companies particularly strong right now? Are Bobcats like house prices in the mid 2000’s and Charlotte wanted to get out before the bubble burst? Who knows. The Bobcats Hornets are owned by a chap named Michael Jordan formerly of the Birmingham Barons. Lance Stephenson was entertaining in Indiana. He joined the Hornets last year and has become completely irrelevant. Moving on.

25 Detroit Pistons 

We see the Detroit Pistons, we think Malice at the Palace. Depending on your perspective that’s either a positive or negative. For me it’s kind of a positive. Sure it brought the game into disrepute, shamed two franchises and led to some of the largest suspensions ever handed down, but it’s undeniably entertaining to watch old Youtube videos of Ron Artest leaping into the stands to attack the entire Detroit fan base as the announcers look on in horror. We'll never see anything like it again. The Pistons as an organisation have understandably tried to move past the incident but the 2015 incarnation of the team are not helping. They are 12th in the Eastern Conference, 6.5 games out of the 8th spot and have almost no chance of making the playoffs. 

24 Miami Heat 

Before Hassan Whiteside blocked and rebounded his way into our lives the Heat were the most depressing franchise of the year, excluding the Knicks of course. Watching Miami Heat games early in the season was like watching the warm up band after the headliners. There was such a strong sense of living in the past. As if everyone in the American Airlines Arena was just sitting, daydreaming about what life used to be like when the world’s eyes were fixed upon LeBron and their team. The world has moved on now, as should you, except that is, for the contrarian folk among you. Hitching your wagon to the Heat now is the polar opposite of following the Heat when Lebron arrived. If you like going to music festivals on Monday mornings as everyone is leaving after partying all weekend, the Miami Heat are for you.

23 Orlando Magic 

I’ve lived in the US for over a year now and have always been fascinated with the country. The history, the diversity, the culture, everything. Except Florida. I have no interest in Florida and I especially have no interest in Disney World. Not to say the Magic are connected to Disney World but well, they named their team the ‘magic’. I’m pretty sure they were attempting to connect themselves to America’s No.1 tourist attraction. The Magic have had some great players over the years but have yet to win a title. They now have some promising young players in Elfrid Payton and Victor Oladipo. Oladipo you’ll remember from the dunk contest where he managed one spectacular dunk only to be completely overshadowed by Zach Lavine making people go completely insane. The Magic are going nowhere this year, but you could do worse than take a punt on them and their young roster going forward. Just don’t bother watching them live.

22 Indiana Pacers

The Pacers logo looks like it was designed by somebody using Microsoft Paint circa 1999. And that’s what the Pacers feel like. An old team just chugging along in the Midwest with a team name named after the Indianapolis 500’s pace cars. How drab. I’m aware this isn’t entirely fair as they have been the Heat’s main rivals in the East the last few season and once Paul George returns they might be legitimate contenders once again but still, look at their uniforms. Yellow and blue. Come on.

21 Utah Jazz

A puzzling team name on the surface until you find out that The Jazz were originally based in New Orleans, where their name made more sense than being linked to a city known more for Mormonism than jazz. Their Wikipedia page has a section entitled ‘Paul Milsap and Al Jefferson, Mediocrity’. Mediocrity is the kryptonite for sports fans. You yearn for anything other than mediocrity.  Mediocrity is boring, bland and completely unremarkable. Fortunately for the Jazz and their fans they haven’t always been this way. Behind Karl Malone and John Stockton they won two conference titles in ‘97 and ‘98 but were beaten in the NBA finals both times by a Michael Jordan led Bulls. The 2015 Jazz are one of five teams in the West who are already out of playoff consideration. They also play at a very pedestrian pace, basically what I’m saying is if this were Tinder you should just swipe left and move on. (edit: Since I wrote this the Jazz have gone 7-0, maybe don’t swipe left so quick. I’ve bumped them up accordingly)

20 Sacramento Kings

I like the Kings. Mainly because I like watching DeMarcus Cousins play. He’s a big, dominating, unguardable player who is generally regarded as the best centre in the game. He’s also prone to the odd eccentric post game interview, but don’t hold it against him. Outside of Cousins, and Rudy Gay to a lesser degree, the Kings are pretty terrible. Similar to other small market teams there is contrarian value in choosing a team like Sacramento. You’re likely to be the only person sporting a Sacramento Kings jersey at the next casual Friday and with Cousins and a high draft pick at this year’s draft they might turn things around in the near future, but I’m not sold right now. Take the plunge on their vibrant black and purple colour scheme sure, but pick another team to live and die with for the next 30 years.

19 Dallas Mavericks

The Mavericks entered my realm of consciousness during the 2011 finals. I ended up a LeBron fan but at the time I was pretty apathetic towards the entire NBA world. That was until I heard about Wade and LeBron mocking German hero Dirk Nowitzki. I don’t know why but I was almost offended by their petty and juvenile behaviour. I think I felt a kin ship for Nowitzki as a European in a definitively American setting. This quickly passed and I grew to resent the Mavericks win because of the amount of times I had to hear about it in the context of discussions about Lebron’s failure in the big moments. And now, I feel almost nothing towards the Mavs. The Rondo trade looks like a disaster, Dirk is past his prime and they look exactly like the type of team who will be one and done in the playoffs.

18 Phoenix Suns 

The Suns hail from (spoiler alert) Phoenix, Arizona which is where Breaking Bad was set. This gives the Suns some added bonus points in the race to become your new team of choice. Their Wikipedia page has a separate section for their mascot, The Suns Gorilla, wherein Michael Jordan is quoted as saying that Gorilla is ‘the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be’. High praise. This current Suns team are not quite on the level of their mascot but they play at a very high pace and are usually involved in high scoring, entertaining games. Their chances of winning an NBA title in the near future look slim but look, they’ve got an awesome mascot and as a new fan it’s important you learn a lesson about greed. You can't have everything, you'll never have everything and if you think about it, you don't even want everything. Life would be so boring. 

17 Minnesota Timber Wolves

The Timberwolves was on of my list of favourite team names before I started writing this but I think they’ve just vaulted up to No.1 spot. A quick Google search for ‘timber wolf’ led me to any number of ‘close encounter’ style YouTube videos. It was an hour well wasted. Granted the most exciting ones were of bears but if it wasn’t for the humble timber wolf I would probably have done something far less rewarding on a Tuesday afternoon. As a basketball team The T-Wolves have the worst record in the West but they somehow feel better than that. Nobody expected them to do anything this year, and they haven’t, but as of right now they are the definite winners in the Love/Wiggins trade and between Wiggins, Rubio and another high draft pick, Minnesota could be a playoff calibre team in the next two seasons. Their only problem is that they somehow play in the Western Conference despite being over 700 miles closer to New York than Los Angeles. They're last in the West, when they could be competing for a playoff spot in the East, but things can only get better for the T Wolves. 

16 Washington Wizards 

The Washington Wizards. Formerly the Washington Bullets, the Capital Bullets, the Baltimore Bullets, the Chicago Zephyrs and the Chicago Packers. Washington takes the award for having the best and the worst franchise names in history. Whoever thought the Capital Bullets would energize a fan base should be sentenced to 35 push ups and 50 sit ups but the Chicago Zephyrs on the other hand, is a thing of ethereal beauty.  The most recent incarnation of this team involves John Wall not being as good as he should be and Bradley Beal thinking he’s better than he is. They are sliding down the Eastern Conference standings at a rate of knots and everyone is expecting their coach to be fired any day. Not the most appealing prospect.

15 Atlanta Hawks

The Spurs of the East. The Hawks prefer a team first philosophy and are likely to grab the No.1 seed in the Eastern Conference. They eschew the star driven nature many of their rivals employ and fly under the radar of the general public. At one stage during the All Star game this year there were four Hawks players on the court at the same time. I’m willing to bet a cool $1 that the average fan of the NBA could not name those four players. They are boringly great at basketball which is fantastic for the incumbent fan but not very enticing for a prospective suitor.

Fist Bumps & Flopping.

I wrote the majority of this article in June 2013.
Oh and I know the footnotes are all out of whack, it took me ages to try and sort out and I had to wonder if the 13 people who read this will really care that much. 

I’ve been watching the basketball playoffs lately, or more specifically I’ve been watching the Miami Heat. Even more specifically than that I’ve been watching Lebron James. I have been seduced by the American sports world obsession with Lebron and have given it a very special part of my life. Last year that involved staying up till 4.30 in the morning every couple of days to watch him finally silence his critics, this year its been more of a ‘first thing in the morning’ type of deal. I purchased a package called NBA gametime which lets me watch the games on replay with, and this is the attractive part, the commercial breaks cut out. A huge advantage when you invest as much time as I do in the NBA and NFL. 

There is no rational reason for me to be following the Heat as fervently as I do, none at all. I root for them because I’ve become a huge Lebron James fan, I’m a signed up, certified Lebron Kool-Aid drinker ¹  It’s all Skip Bayless’s fault really. In case you don’t know Bayless, he’s a panellist on ESPN’s show First Take and a full time loud mouth sensationalist. You either love him or hate him and I must admit, I was slightly smitten with Skip in the beginning (mainly due to his crazed defence of Tim Tebow who I have another soft spot for) but during the 2011/12 basketball season he attacked LeBron so relentlessly it just became ridiculous and the more I listened to his rants the more I wanted Lebron and by extension the Heat to win.

They did win of course and Lebron was named finals MVP, it kind of shut Skip up but being sensationalist, hypocritical and incredibly stubborn is basically his shtick so he’s still found time to criticise Lebron even when according to any respected basketball reporter, James has been nothing short of amazing all season long.  Anyway, this post wasn’t originally meant to be about Bayless even though I’m realising I could probably bang out a good 2,000 words about him and his frustrating opinions. No, its main focus is on something else that’s been consuming my thoughts while watching Lebron so closely, that is flopping, fistbumps and (unfortunately I couldn’t come up with another ‘f’ word to complete my alliterative set) basketball players obsession with helping their team mates up from the floor. 

‘Flopping’ in the NBA is what we would refer to as diving in football or more recently the GAA. I don’t know exactly why the Americans chose to go with ‘flopping’ over the perfectly suitable ‘diving’ but then they have a track record with this sort of thing, gasoline, sidewalk, elevator etc. To the ear I prefer the word ‘diving’ but as it’s generally considered quite the ignoble act maybe the more languid ‘flopping’ is appropriate. The definition of flopping is ‘to fall or plump down suddenly,especially with noise’, while diving gets the rather elegant description of ‘to plunge, fall, or descend through the air.’ Upon finding out these definitions there might actually be some practical sense to this. The opportunity to dive in football generally arises when a player is tripped or apprehended while running, hence creating more of a falling or descending motion. Basketball players usually prefer to hit the ground when they take issue with a slightly over zealous body check. This leads to said player falling or plumping¹ suddenly, and ya, generally I’d say they make some noise while doing so. Now, it must be stated that if basketball players had the room afforded to their soccer-playing brethren I firmly believe they would take to the air like Jurgen Klinsmann in his hey day but lets not get side tracked again. There is also the obvious, lets call them ‘unmanly’ connotations to the word so if we are discussing millionaire sports men throwing themselves to the ground in front of thousands of people to gain an advantage, it seems the Americans might have been right to go with the slightly more shameful ‘flopping.’

Flopping in some form exists in almost every sport. These next issues do as well but they seem more common in basketball. They are: 1. NBA players almost refusing to get up from the floor until they have at least one teammate to help them up, and 2. Ritualistic bumping of fists after every free throw. 

I find these actions both fascinating and annoying in equal measure. 

I know it’s all to do with creating and fostering a sense of camaraderie especially with the free throws, but after every single one? Wouldn’t it start to lose any meaning after a while? It’s like someone telling you they love you. It’s fantastic in the right context when the other person just understands that is what you need to hear. However, if something happened every day or even a few times a day where both people knew they had to either give or receive an ‘I love you’ wouldn’t it begin to grate on you, wouldn’t it become a burden?

Most of the time they don’t even care either. They just throw their arms out without acknowledging their fellow man or putting any effort in. It’s not a ‘you just nailed a 3 pointer with 2 seconds left’ type of fist bump, far from it, it’s a ‘I’m just gonna rub your hand because every other basketball player does and it would be weird if I didn’t’ situation. It’s the same when it comes to helping a teammate from the floor, there is an obligation and a very strange obligation at that. These are some of the fittest, strongest men on the planet. They can pick themselves up from the floor, at least a few times. They don’t need help every time, surely. I mean how much energy are you actually saving by having two guys grab your arms and pull you up, you still have to get those quads working and push yourself up. And isn’t any energy you save nullified by the amount of effort the two guys put in sprinting over to you and pulling you up while you petulantly sit waiting to be helped up? I’m looking at you D-Wade.¹ 

This photo is strange on so many levels.

Which brings me on to my final point and the most interesting observation. There is such a clear hierarchy going on in all this. I’ll use the Miami Heat as an example as I have watched them more than any other team throughout the year. Lebron is the alpha dog, therefore he almost never helps people up and is always helped up. He partakes in the fist bumping if he is shooting free throws, less so when he’s watching on. Dwayne Wade comes next. He will steadfastly refuse to get up until his teammates come to help him, sometimes to the detriment of his own team. More enthusiastic on the free throws bumps than Lebron. Chris Bosh and Mario Chalmers come next. They will help if they are in the vicinity and will occasionally pick themselves up from a fall without help. Extremely reliable fist bumpers. Then comes Shane Battier, Mike Miller and Chris Andersen. These guys don’t mess around and are highly aware of how lucky they are to be along for the ride with Lebron. They will accept help if it’s there but have no problem jumping back up and getting on with things, they will always fist bump the free throw shooter and go out of their way to make contact with the four other guys on the court after their own free throw attempts. But most importantly they will never, under any circumstances, let Lebron or Wade take on the mammoth task of lifting themselves off the floor on their own. They complete this task so enthusiastically that it could possibly be written into their contracts. 

I guess this is just a more obvious representation of the hierarchies that exist in every sport. Players know their place within the team and generally act accordingly. In a smaller team sport like basketball this becomes even clearer, especially when there is such an emphasis on ‘star’ power in the NBA. I have never come across a sport that so clearly breaks down the quality of players into specific categories such as; super stars, all-stars, normal stars, all the way down the line until you reach the derogatory term of ‘scrub’.  Shane Battier and co are in no way scrubs but they are far enough away from bona fide superstars like Lebron and D-Wade that when Lebron falls on his ass, someone further down the food chain will be there to pick him up. Every time. Without fail.

Thought of the day: If you have to count 413 letters, make sure you count them correctly. Or you will have to count them again. You have been warned. 

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1 If you don’t get that reference you’re not watching enough American sports in my opinion.

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1 Never had cause to use the word 'plumping' before today

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1 Chances of D-Wade reading this? I'm gonna say 6/1. I'm feeling cocky today