What's the point of Adam Schefter?

A few days ago ESPN superstar, and humongous egotist, Adam Schefter tweeted the following information:

Sounds like first Sunday night regular-season game is shaping up to be Giants at Cowboys. Just like two years ago.
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) April 21, 2015

This is classic Schefter. Here is ESPN's NFL Insider doing what he does best, telling us some unimportant piece of NFL information and managing to garner over 1,400 retweets and 1,100 favorites from it. The tweet is predictably unremarkable but it does illuminate two distinct points. The first is the general level of craziness that surrounds the NFL schedule and the public's thirst for any NFL related news in the middle of April. Secondly, it is a perfect encapsulation of everything that Schefter and his role as NFL insider represent.

Schefter's skill, expertise and mastery of schmoozing up to people with information about the NFL is on display for all to see. Behold ladies and gentlemen, a person has provided us some information about events happening in five months time that we were going to hear about in a few hours anyway. Schefter trades in providing his 3.72 million followers with mildly interesting bits of information repackaged as 'insider information'. He has capitalised on the public's desire for a constant stream of NFL related news, even if it is just to let us know that Johnny Manziel has been released from rehab.

Johnny Manziel has been released from a drug and alcohol treatment facility, multiple sources told ESPN's Jeremy Fowler.
— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) April 11, 2015

As a society we seem to have put a premium on timing over quality or insight when it comes to reporting. There was a time not so long ago when people actually argued against the spread of 24 news channels. They were seen as cheapening and trivialising actual, important news events. That argument today would seem antiquated at best and shortsighted and ignorant at worst. The news never stops, and news about football players and the infrastructure that surrounds them needs to be reported on and disseminated 24/7, 365 days a year.

But it doesn't really. It's just that Schefter and his employer make a lot of money by convincing you that it does. In fact, ESPN doesn't even need to work very hard at perpetuating this idea, their rival the NFL network has even more broadcast hours to fill by convincing you there is important NFL news that requires your attention.

The idea that the NFL news cycle never stops is crucial for Schefter. He knows that people question how important his job is and how much skill is involved in essentially relying information without comment or opinion. He's in that dangerous place where the general public like to think 'I could do his job'.

He counteracts this by conducting another Jedi mind trick. He convinces you that he works hard. I mean really hard. I mean hard in a way that you could not even understand. And he needs you to know this is what sets him apart. This is a man that let his wife tweet a sleeping picture of him to reinforce the idea of him 'never sleeping.' This is a man who celebrate's the idea of someone tweeting about stocks at 4.30am on the morning of his wedding and calls him 'my kind of guy.' Which is code for 'this guy never stops working, just like me.'

So when you watch him pontificate about the NFL on one of ESPN's shows and find yourself resenting his job and his profile, Schefter wants you to know that you couldn't possible put in as much time and effort as he does and that ultimately, you are destined for a life swilling beer, lying on the couch and resenting successful people like him.

I might have editorialised that last bit but Schefter is one of those people who uses the 'pull out the iPhone in a public place to make yourself look busy' routine. Except that when Schefter does it, he's on live TV. He doesn't need his wife to tweet supposed stolen pictures to confirm how busy he is, he provides us with visual confirmation on TV. Schefter is like one of those annoying friends who, every time you try to meet up with them they preface their answer with a 'been sooooo busy lately', before telling you that they might be able to squeeze you in next week. Fuck that guy.

Schefter's job seems to revolve around him acquiring as many friends and acquaintances as possible. His key skill is making sure people trust him enough to leak information to him and, according to this Washington Post profile, making sure he has something for them in return. He tells GM's that a certain player might be manoeuvring for a move so long as that GM can then provide him with information about what that team might be planning in the coming weeks.

And people love him for it. That's the biggest mystery behind all this. Schefter (Schefty to his pals) is a big deal at ESPN and sports media in general. His word is considered tantamount to the truth and when he talks, the sports world seems to listen. So who can blame him for feeding his ego alongside his wallet? People seem to value what he does and lap up his inane tweets about contract extensions for Eagles DB's 

Schefter doesn't offer any interesting analysis or insight and he comes across as rather pompous and arrogant during his spots on TV. I'm willing to wager a cool $5 that he was on corner duties for #TeamBritt during that PR disaster earlier this month. But Schefter's personality is not the problem here, it's his job title and profile in the sports media world that are troubling. The position of NFL insider promotes the idea of alliances and contacts over inquisitive and truth seeking reporting. It tells you that to make it to a position of prominence like Schefter you need to cosy up to as many important people as possible and be willing to engage in what is essentially just a more modern version of Chinese whispers. When it comes to achieving top billing at the World Wide Leader, ESPN would prefer you have as many friends as possible inside the NFL rather than dare to distance yourself from them, with a view to offering objective criticism.

The 1989 Liverpool FA Cup winning team: Where are they now?

It was one of those unseasonably hot summer days in the West of Ireland. The sun was beaming through a cloudless sky, the birds were singing in the trees and the Liverpool and Everton teams were about to take the field for the 1989 FA Cup Final. My Candy emblazoned replica Liverpool jersey was pressed and clean as I sat down, or maybe lay down, or possibly just ran around (you do strange things during football games as a child) in anticipation of the game.

Maybe it was just the ignorance of youth or the lack of tabloid exposes and billionaire owners but football seemed a lot more palatable back then. Don’t get me wrong, I still keep up to date with results and watch as many Liverpool games as I can but nothing will match the excitement levels of a big cup match as a young boy.

It’s always nice to reminisce about the supposed halcyon days of football and hot summers (almost certainly not as exciting a game as I remember and definitely not as hot) but what’s even more fun is to find out what became of those 11 Liverpool heroes that took the pitch that day.

Goalkeeper

Bruce Grobbelaar

Come for the 80’s porn star tache’, stay for the famous wobbly leg penalty routine. Grobbelaar was Liverpool’s keeper from 1980 – 1994 and won six league titles, three FA cups (including this one) a European Cup and many more less important titles that don’t warrant inclusion here. He played for six more seasons after leaving Liverpool in 1994 and eventually moved into coaching. Unfortunately for Bruce, his coaching prowess is not the most noteworthy thing to happen to him since he left Liverpool. In November 1994 The Sun newspaper accused him and two other footballers of match fixing. Grobbelaar was eventually cleared but only after the jury in two successive trials could not agree on a verdict. In a severe case of not quitting while you’re ahead he then decided to sue The Sun for libel. He won the case but the paper appealed, and although the decision was not overturned the judge found there was adequate evidence of dishonesty on Grobbelaar’s part. The match fixing scandal was one of the first of its kind and tarnished Grobbelaar’s legacy as a Liverpool legend.

Defenders

Gary Ablett

When I decided to write this piece there were quite a few players I knew I wouldn’t need to do much research on. They were well known footballers in their day and have either gone into coaching or punditry. Ablett was on the other end of the spectrum. I was intrigued to find out what happened to one of the cornerstones of Liverpool’s defence through the late 80’s. It was shocking to learn then that Ablett had died in 2012 fromNon-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was one of the more unknown players on the 1989 team and is probably remembered more for the fact that he played for both Liverpool and Everton during his career. Ablett finished his playing career in the US for the Long Island Rough Riders before he moved into coaching. He was one of the coaches for Ipswich Town before he fell ill in July 2010.

Steve Staunton

For fans of the Irish football team, Steve Staunton’s public persona changed radically when he was appointed the Republic’s manager in January 2006. His infamous ‘I’m the gaffer’ line was instantly lampooned and his reign as manager went downhill from there. It was an unfortunate turn of events for a player who was capped over 100 times for his country and had a stellar career at Liverpool. If Staunton hadn’t been appointed the Irish manager my memories of him would still revolve around him being the only professional footballer to wear a baseball cap during the lineup before a game. Since being fired as the national team manager Staunton has held various scouting positions, the latest being with Sunderland in 2011. 

Steve Nicol

I loved Steve Nicol when he played for Liverpool. He accumulated 343 appearances for the club and was part of the hugely successful team during the 1980’s. Then he left the club in 1995 and I can safely say he hasn't crossed my mind since, until today that is. Reading up on him is like being reacquainted with an old friend. Nicol eventually wound up playing in the US for the New England Revolution and the Boston Bulldogs. He then managed the Revolution from 2002 until 2011. These days he does some punditry work for ESPN and posts weighing scales pictures on his twitter account. One of these activities is befitting of a former professional footballer and Liverpool legend, the other less so.

Alan Hansen 

Hansen currently sits tenth on the all time appearance list for Liverpool with 620. Of the 1989 team he trails only Grobbelaar. After he retired in March 1991, Hansen was seen by many as a perfect candidate to transition into management. He always maintained however that he had no interest in the management side of the game and quickly built himself a successful career as a pundit on the BBC's flagship football show Match of the Day. He retired from show the after the World Cup in 2014 and is perhaps best known for his 'you can't win anything with kids' remark about the Manchester United team who would then go on to win the league.  

Midfielders

Ronnie Whelan

Whelan was Liverpool’s playmaking central midfielder and captain for the 1989 season. He played for the club from 1979 to 1994 which seems completely absurd when put in to comparison with someone like Craig Bellamy who has played for eight different premier league clubs. Whelan briefly became player manager of Southend United after leaving Liverpool before moving to Greece to become manager of Panionios. He left Greece in 2002 and is now one of the panellists and commentators for RTE Sport.

Ray Houghton

I can’t remember many commentaries from the 1980’s or early 1990’s but I feel confident in saying that Houghton was probably referred to as Liverpool’s ‘hard working, diminutive midfielder’. Commentators love the word ‘diminutive’. Houghton left the club in 1992 to join Aston Villa and he finished up his career by, oddly, making three appearances for Stevenage Borough of all clubs. Houghton is one of the more visible players from this team as he has carved out a prominent career for himself as pundit working for RTE, talkSPORT and Newstalk.

John Barnes

Barnes signed for Liverpool in 1987 and along with being heralded as one of the most skilful players to ever play for the club, he was also the first to suffer consistent racist abuse. These were the dark days of the 1980’s of course and although this list outlines the lack of club loyalty in the modern game, it also highlights how well the game has moved on from what Barnes and other black players had to deal with on a regular basis. Barnes left Liverpool in 1997 after making 407 appearances for the club. He finished his playing career at Celtic and was then appointed head coach at the club working alongside Kenny Dalglish. His stint at Celtic was not a success however and he was fired at the end of the 1999-2000 season. In June 2009 Barnes took up a position of manager of Tranmere Rovers until he was sacked in October of the same year.

Steve McMahon

Steve McMahon scared me when I was a kid. It might be due to his uncanny resemblance to a certain hard nosed Eastenders villain or just his rough and tumble playing style. Although a successful player for the club McMahon was never as well known as the majority of his teammates on the 1989 team and that has continued post retirement. He left Liverpool in 1991 and went on to play for seven more season including stints with Manchester City and Swindon Town. After his playing career finished, McMahon managed Swindon for four years until 1998 and in 2005 he took over the reigns of Australian club Perth Glory. His stint in Perth didn't last long however as he left the club mid way through his first season. More recently in 2011 McMahon was hired by Liverpool to become the head coach of their facility in India with a view to expanding and strengthening their brand overseas. 

Forwards

Peter Beardsley

Bucking the trend of one club careers, Beardsley’s journey to and from Liverpool was a bit more circuitous than his teammates on the day. He achieved great success with Liverpool but is probably more widely known as a Newcastle player. He has also played in Canada, Australia and most surprisingly of all, he signed for Manchester United in 1982 making just the one appearance for the club. Beardsley eventually retired at age 38 and took up a coaching position with Newcastle. He had a brief stint as assistant manager to Howard Wilkinson when Wilkinson became caretaker manager of the national team but the majority of Beardsley’s post playing days have been spent in various caching positions at Newcastle where he remains today.

John Aldridge

If you had offered me an under over of three on the amount of seasons Aldridge had played for Liverpool I would have bet every cent I have on the over. And I would have lost that minuscule amount of money. Although seen as a ‘true red’ Aldridge only played two and a half season for Liverpool. In that time however he became one of the club’s most popular players. He left Liverpool in 1989 for Real Sociedad before finishing his career at Tranmere Rovers in 1998. Since retirement, Aldridge spends his time doing punditry work for various media outlets and taking part in the odd reality TV show. 

A casual observer's guide to the NBA part 2

15 Atlanta Hawks
The Spurs of the East. The Hawks employ a team first philosophy and are likely to grab the No.1 seed in the Eastern Conference. The eschew the star driven nature many of the rivals prefer and fly under the radar of the general public. At one stage during this year's All Star game there were four Hawks players on the court at the same time. I'm willing to bet a cool $1 the average fan of the NBA could not name those four players. They are boringly great at basketball which is fantastic for the incumbent fan but not very enticing for the perspective suitor.

14 Boston Celtics 

As an Irishman there is a particular pressure to commit to Celtic’s fandom The clue is in the name and their shamrock emblazoned logo. This might be a good time to catch the historic franchise as they are on the up with a new head coach and a young roster. They probably traded Rondo at the perfect time and might even make the playoffs this year but in truth, they are a long way off getting back to where they were in the 60’s or 80’s. They don’t have the train wreck value of other previously successful franchises either and why take on the pressure of their history, if you’re going to pick an average team, go for one that’s shooting for their first ever title. It will feel that much sweeter. 

13 Philadelphia 76ers 

The Philadelphia seventyTankers! That’s awful, I’m sorry. But it’s hard to discuss the 76ers at the moment without the issue of tanking coming up. They recently traded Michael Carter Williams to the Bucks. MCW was considered by most people to be Philadelphia’s best player and one of their core building blocks for the future. Not according to GM Sam Hinkie. Hinkie is basically accumulating draft picks until he hits on the next super star. For a prospective fan, this is a great strategy. If you get in now you’ve hopefully missed the worst seasons and you might just stumble into a loaded team in 2 or 3 years time. 

12 Milwaukee Bucks 

Did you know the Bucks were a crazy 300/1 to win the title in the preseason? No one thinks they’re actually going to win it this year but they currently sit sixth in the Eastern Conference and look likely to make the playoffs. For reference, the Knicks were 50/1 to win it all preseason. They are currently 20 games behind the Bucks. The Bucks aren’t sexy but if you like playing the long game and rooting for a plucky underdog you could do worse. They also have Giannis Antetokounmpo which is simultaneously the most satisfying name to say while also being the most infuriating name to write. 

11 New Orleans Pelicans 

The Pelicans have Anthony Davis. That makes them immediately relevant in any discussion about perspective fandom. Davis is on his way to becoming the best player in the league and he’s only just turned 21. As a franchise the Pelicans have a complicated history with the Charlotte Hornets, who used to be the Bobcats, as the New Orleans Pelicans were for a time known as the New Orleans Hornets. Oh and from 2005-2007 they were the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets because of Hurricane Katrina. It’s confusing. Their arena is called the Smoothie King Center which is one of the greatest naming atrocities known to man. If you can overlook this considerable misstep then Anthony Davis might lead you to a NBA title or eight in the not too distant future.

10 Toronto Raptors 14

The Raptors Wikipedia page tells me they had a Vince Carter era, a period of struggle and then Chris Bosh rose. I don’t know where he rose from but I know he hightailed it out of Toronto to join LeBron and D Wade soon after his rise. The Raptors currently occupy the No.3 seed in the East and look set to make their second consecutive post season appearance. They are a decent, entertaining team but you get behind the the Raptors to be different. To be the only guy supporting the team from Canada. And also Drake. In fact mainly Drake, you support Toronto because of Drake.

9 Houston Rockets

Another strange team name. The Rockets were originally based in San Diego and got their name from the Atlas missile that was being developed near by. As a team name, that’s about as far fetched as they come. Their GM Daryl Morey was one of the first general managers in the league to trust and employ advanced analytics. He has built a championship contending team around James Harden and the oft injured Dwight Howard. That’s a neat synopsis of the current landscape around the team but I’m struggling for something interesting. Advanced analytics (or you know, just plain old information) has become so commonplace now that although the Rockets were one of the first teams to use it, they are not necessarily defined by it. Also James Harden is a legitimate MVP candidate who continues to a sport a very strange beard. So there you go, beards and stats, stats and beards. What more do you want!

8 San Antonio Spurs 

The Hawks of the West! I’m kidding of course, the Spurs are the originals and some would say the best. From a neutrals perspective, there’s a lot to like about the Spurs. #Wellactually, there’s one specific thing to like; their consistent level of success. They’ve missed the playoffs once in the past 25 years. They are often compared to the Patriots in terms of how much success they’ve had but unlike the Pats, the Spurs are generally revered by everybody. Popovich irritates some people with his monosyllabic interviews and unpredictable rotations but these are minor quibbles. The Spurs deserve your attention when choosing a new team. One word of warning though: although people have been writing about the Spurs getting old for about five years now, there is a chance it has actually become a real issue this year. They have not looked good for a large portion of the year and are seventh in the Western Conference. They’ll make the playoffs but, right now at least, it’s hard to see them beating some of the other heavy weights in the West.

7 Chicago Bulls 

Michael Jordan. The Bulls still live in the shadow of their greatest play as does the league to a certain extent. Jordan rose above (literally and figuratively) all other basketball activities for a stretch of seven or eight years in the 90’s. He was basketball. Jordan is long gone of course but the Bulls are back to being a competitive franchise. The only downside is that if you choose to support the Bulls you are following the herd. There’s nothing interesting in following the massively successful team from your childhood. ‘Real’ sports fans will look down on you as they fret over the fortunes of their pathetic hometown teams, but should that really influence you? No, it should not. Derrick Rose’s annual injuries are a worry but the Bulls are a worthy pick as your new favourite team. 

6 Memphis Grizzlies

Another puzzling team name on the surface until you realise the Grizzlies began life as the Vancouver Grizzlies, which makes a lot more sense. I’m sure they desperately tried to rebrand themselves using some sort of Elvis line but thankfully they stayed true to their Canadian roots. The Grizzlies are a tough team who play a defensive and slow brand of basketball. They might not be the most exciting team but they currently sit in the No.2 spot in the Western conference. They should secure home court advantage until the conference finals and could conceivably beat any team over a seven game series. Their star player is a stoic Spanish giant and they are often forgotten about with the likes of Houston, OKC and Golden State hovering up the column inches. They feel like the quiet underdogs but in reality they are one of the best teams in basketball.

5 LA Clippers 

The Clippers have moved on from the Donald Sterling controversy last year and are now owned by former Microsoft CEO and renowned dancer, Steve Ballmer. They lived in the shadow of the Lakers for so long but are now the undisputed top dogs of Los Angeles. They currently occupy the No.5 seed in the Western Conference and have managed to stay afloat despite losing Blake Griffin to injury for just over a month. The Clippers are in a nice spot. Sterling is gone, their hometown (and home court) rival’s are floundering and most importantly, they have a very small fan base. The Lakers success made the Clippers almost irrelevant up until recently which has in turn kept their levels of fandom in check. Nobody supports the Clippers outside of Los Angeles. Lakers fans are everywhere. Hitch your wagon to the talents of Chris Paul and take a ride with Billy Crystal all the way to an NBA title! 

4 Portland Trailblazers 

The Trailblazers are owned by another Microsoft alum, co-founder Paul Allen. Allen also owns the Seattle Seahawks and MLS team the Seattle Sounders. I knew this before I started writing but I nevertheless went to scope out Allen’s Wikipedia page and inadvertently ended up going down a super-yacht wormhole. Suffice to say that Allen has a rather large yacht and his Wikipedia page is filled with other information that will make you feel like a failure in life. As for the Trailblazers, I’ve always had a soft spot for Portland. It’s one of those cities I never hear much about and so I naturally assume it to be a utopian paradise made up of traffic free streets, affordable housing, a plentiful job market and a successful NBA team. Some of these things may actually be true. Also, Damian Lillard’s habit of making ridiculous,buzzer beating, series-clinching shots is a nice little bonus.

                      

3 Golden State Warriors 

If you were seeding this contest beforehand, the Warriors were probably No.1. They are the top team in the harder conference, they average the highest points scored per game, have a fantastic home crowd and they have the most exciting backcourt tandem in the league. And yet, they are almost too good to be true. Steve Kerr seems like a nice guy who hasn’t decided to turn his personality off just because he’s become coach and if you want to jump in with an exciting, supremely talented team on the rise, go right ahead but remember; winning is less enjoyable when you expect it. You want a team with some cracks in their armour, some flaws and the fear of not actually winning anything. Golden State seem a little too perfect right now.

2 Cleveland Cavaliers 

Unless you’ve been off fighting ISIS in Syria for the last few months you’ll know that Lebron went back to Cleveland last Summer and immediately turned The Cavs into a polarizing team. This might not be an ideal situation for a new fan but know this dear reader; they are starting to get really, really good. Ever since Lebron returned from his two week vacation injury Cleveland have been rolling, and are now almost certain to grab the No.2 seed.  You’re jumping on the LeBron bandwagon here which people will chastise you for but the fact that it’s tied up with supporting a team from the city of Cleveland, discounts that problem significantly. Cleveland is still the most tortured sporting city in America and most importantly, they haven’t won anything yet. So before Lebron turns the Cavs fortunes around you might want to start concocting a lie about supporting the Cavs since the Zydrunas Ilgauskas days in the mid 90’s.

1 Oklahoma City Thunder

Our No.1! The Thunder are home to reigning MVP Kevin Durant and current unstoppable force of nature and purveyor of triple doubles Russell Westbrook. I used to really dislike Westbrook, for the same reason sports fans dislike players in every sport, because I just didn’t really like his face. I’ve managed to move past this irrational bias and I now believe Westbrook to be some sort of freakishly athletic demon sent from another land as a warning and example of how they could take over our entire planet whenever they see fit. The Thunder are fun to watch and if you like to shun big city markets like New York and L.A in favour of some good ol small town values then look no further than Oklahoma. Did you know that the first yield sign was installed in Oklahoma in 1950? Or that the first shopping cart was invented and used in Oklahoma City in 1937? You probably didn’t, but just think of what other nuggets of info await if you jump on the OKC bandwagon. The Thunder have a legitimate shot in the loaded west so long as they can keep afloat while Durant is injured. With their current roster they are a danger to anyone, however, there have been murmurs that Durant and Westbrook might not be long for OKC so your long-term success as a fan might be limited. But who cares about that, when Durant and Westbrook are rolling, there isn’t a more exciting team to watch in the league.

A casual observer’s guide to the NBA

This is my first year of following the NBA regular season. There are two reasons for this. 1. I moved to the US last year so it’s the first time I’ve been able to watch the games at anything approaching a reasonable hour and 2. I enjoy playing DFS (daily fantasy sports), so once football finished there wasn’t much choice but to follow the NBA like a drug addict whose supply of heroin had suddenly been cut short.

It’s because of DFS that I now feel I know more about basketball than I do about sports I’ve followed since I was a kid like soccer, Gaelic, rugby etc. I know the back up to the back point guard in Atlanta is a guy called Shelvin Mack but I don’t know who plays in midfield for Man Utd anymore. It’s a strange feeling, but it makes sense as it’s easier to remember names of players than it is to fully understand strategic concepts. I can talk comfortably about what goes on at the breakdown during a game of rugby but don’t ask me to explain why the Knicks have failed in their attempt at running the triangle offence this year. (Rubbish players maybe?)

The NBA is still new to me. I don’t have engrained, historical allegiances with any team. I also don’t have the baggage of hating a team(s) for the majority of my life. I’m floating about in the NBA fandom ether just waiting for my heart to be captured. And maybe you’re in the same position as me?  It’s quite a refreshing experience, but it can’t go on forever. We need a stable relationship. Someone we can build and grow with for years to come. And what’s the best way to look for a long-term relationship? By making a list. A list to help you sift through the madness that is looking for a favourite NBA team. So to save you the hassle, I have ranked the 30 teams in the NBA in terms of prospective fandom. Let’s start with the bottom 15.

30 LA Lakers

Starting off with a bombshell! The Lakers are one of the most successful and recognisable NBA teams. They truly are the Yankees or Man Utd of the NBA world and so becoming a fan at anytime is a questionable move. But, if you always wanted to wear that fabled gold singlet, now is your chance.The Lakers are terrible and they might stay that way for another year or two. Kobe is coming off another season ending injury, their No.1 pick from the 2014 draft also suffered a season ending injury and Linsanity mark.2 has been the high point of a season that currently sees them with the second worst record in the West. Look, the Lakers are the Lakers and if you’re destined to start supporting them, then have at it. People will view you as a dirty glory hunter who doesn’t understand what true fandom is all about, they’ll call you names behind your back and nobody will want to associate with you. Your parents will worry about what sort of child they have raised and you’ll be known as the guy with no integrity, no character and worst of all, no soul. But who cares, you’ll have Ryan Kelly and Robert Sacre on your side!

29 Denver Nuggets

From January 16^th through March 1^st the Nuggets went 2-19. They were a living, breathing, dumpster fire of a team. On March 3^rd they fired their head coach Brian Shaw. They have gone 6-3 since, with their three losses coming against the Spurs, Rockets and Grizzlies. Sport can be cruel sometimes. If I was compiling this list in the middle of that atrocious run, the Nuggets might have beaten out the Lakers for the last spot but with a rejuvenated Kenneth Faried and a team no longer playing for a coach they don’t respect, things are looking up for Denver right now. Grass is always greener and all that. But before you jump in bed with the Nuggets you should know this. The Nuggets are owned by Stan Kroenke. Kroenke owns four other Americans sports’ franchises. He is also the largest shareholder of premier league team Arsenal. And here’s the best part. He’s married to Ann Walton Kroenke, who is, you guessed it, an heiress to the Wal-Mart fortune. If you think these people need anymore support, you should probably reassess your priorities in life.

28 Brooklyn Nets 

The Brooklyn Nets depress me. They are a team just plodding along seemingly content at not being very good and not completely tanking. I could almost forget there is a basketball team in Brooklyn, which is ironic as they are one of the only teams I’ve watched live. The Nets are only worthy of a mention as a hip-hop fandom pivot off the Raptors and Drake. Jay Z is permanently linked to the franchise although he no longer owns a stake in the team. Their home arena is fantastic, the team is the very definition of average. You can do better.

27 New York Knicks 

I watched the Knicks the other night in a morgue like MSG. It was upsetting. The Knicks make basketball look really, really hard. They are the counterpoint to what Russell Westbrook and Steph Curry do. They were destroyed by the Sacramento Kings. A team who are 22-44. The only positive is an obvious one: the allure of following a team from the ‘greatest city in the world’. If you’re a casual observer of basketball, especially if you’re from another country, you could easily find yourself supporting New York just because you want to have some connection to a city you loved visiting. If you’re a hardened basketball fan it’s probably best to stay well away from the Knicks right now.

26 Charlotte Hornets 

I thought the Hornets were still called the Bobcats and had written this whole thing about how I felt unsure of whether I liked that name or not. But it turns out they are the Hornets again. It always fascinates me when franchises change names, never mind when they go back to a previous name. What prompts that? Do they prefer bees over large cats? Is the market for hornet branded companies particularly strong right now? Are Bobcats like house prices in the mid 2000’s and Charlotte wanted to get out before the bubble burst? Who knows. The Bobcats Hornets are owned by a chap named Michael Jordan formerly of the Birmingham Barons. Lance Stephenson was entertaining in Indiana. He joined the Hornets last year and has become completely irrelevant. Moving on.

25 Detroit Pistons 

We see the Detroit Pistons, we think Malice at the Palace. Depending on your perspective that’s either a positive or negative. For me it’s kind of a positive. Sure it brought the game into disrepute, shamed two franchises and led to some of the largest suspensions ever handed down, but it’s undeniably entertaining to watch old Youtube videos of Ron Artest leaping into the stands to attack the entire Detroit fan base as the announcers look on in horror. We'll never see anything like it again. The Pistons as an organisation have understandably tried to move past the incident but the 2015 incarnation of the team are not helping. They are 12th in the Eastern Conference, 6.5 games out of the 8th spot and have almost no chance of making the playoffs. 

24 Miami Heat 

Before Hassan Whiteside blocked and rebounded his way into our lives the Heat were the most depressing franchise of the year, excluding the Knicks of course. Watching Miami Heat games early in the season was like watching the warm up band after the headliners. There was such a strong sense of living in the past. As if everyone in the American Airlines Arena was just sitting, daydreaming about what life used to be like when the world’s eyes were fixed upon LeBron and their team. The world has moved on now, as should you, except that is, for the contrarian folk among you. Hitching your wagon to the Heat now is the polar opposite of following the Heat when Lebron arrived. If you like going to music festivals on Monday mornings as everyone is leaving after partying all weekend, the Miami Heat are for you.

23 Orlando Magic 

I’ve lived in the US for over a year now and have always been fascinated with the country. The history, the diversity, the culture, everything. Except Florida. I have no interest in Florida and I especially have no interest in Disney World. Not to say the Magic are connected to Disney World but well, they named their team the ‘magic’. I’m pretty sure they were attempting to connect themselves to America’s No.1 tourist attraction. The Magic have had some great players over the years but have yet to win a title. They now have some promising young players in Elfrid Payton and Victor Oladipo. Oladipo you’ll remember from the dunk contest where he managed one spectacular dunk only to be completely overshadowed by Zach Lavine making people go completely insane. The Magic are going nowhere this year, but you could do worse than take a punt on them and their young roster going forward. Just don’t bother watching them live.

22 Indiana Pacers

The Pacers logo looks like it was designed by somebody using Microsoft Paint circa 1999. And that’s what the Pacers feel like. An old team just chugging along in the Midwest with a team name named after the Indianapolis 500’s pace cars. How drab. I’m aware this isn’t entirely fair as they have been the Heat’s main rivals in the East the last few season and once Paul George returns they might be legitimate contenders once again but still, look at their uniforms. Yellow and blue. Come on.

21 Utah Jazz

A puzzling team name on the surface until you find out that The Jazz were originally based in New Orleans, where their name made more sense than being linked to a city known more for Mormonism than jazz. Their Wikipedia page has a section entitled ‘Paul Milsap and Al Jefferson, Mediocrity’. Mediocrity is the kryptonite for sports fans. You yearn for anything other than mediocrity.  Mediocrity is boring, bland and completely unremarkable. Fortunately for the Jazz and their fans they haven’t always been this way. Behind Karl Malone and John Stockton they won two conference titles in ‘97 and ‘98 but were beaten in the NBA finals both times by a Michael Jordan led Bulls. The 2015 Jazz are one of five teams in the West who are already out of playoff consideration. They also play at a very pedestrian pace, basically what I’m saying is if this were Tinder you should just swipe left and move on. (edit: Since I wrote this the Jazz have gone 7-0, maybe don’t swipe left so quick. I’ve bumped them up accordingly)

20 Sacramento Kings

I like the Kings. Mainly because I like watching DeMarcus Cousins play. He’s a big, dominating, unguardable player who is generally regarded as the best centre in the game. He’s also prone to the odd eccentric post game interview, but don’t hold it against him. Outside of Cousins, and Rudy Gay to a lesser degree, the Kings are pretty terrible. Similar to other small market teams there is contrarian value in choosing a team like Sacramento. You’re likely to be the only person sporting a Sacramento Kings jersey at the next casual Friday and with Cousins and a high draft pick at this year’s draft they might turn things around in the near future, but I’m not sold right now. Take the plunge on their vibrant black and purple colour scheme sure, but pick another team to live and die with for the next 30 years.

19 Dallas Mavericks

The Mavericks entered my realm of consciousness during the 2011 finals. I ended up a LeBron fan but at the time I was pretty apathetic towards the entire NBA world. That was until I heard about Wade and LeBron mocking German hero Dirk Nowitzki. I don’t know why but I was almost offended by their petty and juvenile behaviour. I think I felt a kin ship for Nowitzki as a European in a definitively American setting. This quickly passed and I grew to resent the Mavericks win because of the amount of times I had to hear about it in the context of discussions about Lebron’s failure in the big moments. And now, I feel almost nothing towards the Mavs. The Rondo trade looks like a disaster, Dirk is past his prime and they look exactly like the type of team who will be one and done in the playoffs.

18 Phoenix Suns 

The Suns hail from (spoiler alert) Phoenix, Arizona which is where Breaking Bad was set. This gives the Suns some added bonus points in the race to become your new team of choice. Their Wikipedia page has a separate section for their mascot, The Suns Gorilla, wherein Michael Jordan is quoted as saying that Gorilla is ‘the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be’. High praise. This current Suns team are not quite on the level of their mascot but they play at a very high pace and are usually involved in high scoring, entertaining games. Their chances of winning an NBA title in the near future look slim but look, they’ve got an awesome mascot and as a new fan it’s important you learn a lesson about greed. You can't have everything, you'll never have everything and if you think about it, you don't even want everything. Life would be so boring. 

17 Minnesota Timber Wolves

The Timberwolves was on of my list of favourite team names before I started writing this but I think they’ve just vaulted up to No.1 spot. A quick Google search for ‘timber wolf’ led me to any number of ‘close encounter’ style YouTube videos. It was an hour well wasted. Granted the most exciting ones were of bears but if it wasn’t for the humble timber wolf I would probably have done something far less rewarding on a Tuesday afternoon. As a basketball team The T-Wolves have the worst record in the West but they somehow feel better than that. Nobody expected them to do anything this year, and they haven’t, but as of right now they are the definite winners in the Love/Wiggins trade and between Wiggins, Rubio and another high draft pick, Minnesota could be a playoff calibre team in the next two seasons. Their only problem is that they somehow play in the Western Conference despite being over 700 miles closer to New York than Los Angeles. They're last in the West, when they could be competing for a playoff spot in the East, but things can only get better for the T Wolves. 

16 Washington Wizards 

The Washington Wizards. Formerly the Washington Bullets, the Capital Bullets, the Baltimore Bullets, the Chicago Zephyrs and the Chicago Packers. Washington takes the award for having the best and the worst franchise names in history. Whoever thought the Capital Bullets would energize a fan base should be sentenced to 35 push ups and 50 sit ups but the Chicago Zephyrs on the other hand, is a thing of ethereal beauty.  The most recent incarnation of this team involves John Wall not being as good as he should be and Bradley Beal thinking he’s better than he is. They are sliding down the Eastern Conference standings at a rate of knots and everyone is expecting their coach to be fired any day. Not the most appealing prospect.

15 Atlanta Hawks

The Spurs of the East. The Hawks prefer a team first philosophy and are likely to grab the No.1 seed in the Eastern Conference. They eschew the star driven nature many of their rivals employ and fly under the radar of the general public. At one stage during the All Star game this year there were four Hawks players on the court at the same time. I’m willing to bet a cool $1 that the average fan of the NBA could not name those four players. They are boringly great at basketball which is fantastic for the incumbent fan but not very enticing for a prospective suitor.