Review: The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

On the way to the screening of The Mortal Instruments I realised I was about to watch a film I knew next to nothing about. Apart from a cursory glance at its wikipedia page I didn't know the first thing about the film or the set of novels it was based on (the wikipedia page had to inform me about it being based on a novel). I normally like to rely on reviews to weed out the huge amount of terrible films and prefer to spend my money on something I feel has a decent chance of being at least mildly interesting. Sitting through the 2 hours plus of Lily Cooper's stomach churning journey through a love triangle and Jonathan Rhys Meyers growling constantly made me even more steadfast in my propensity to check rottentomatoes.com before stepping inside the cinema doors.

Now I should say straight away that The Mortal Instruments is a film firmly rooted in the 'teen flick' genre and so it's not a film I would ever choose to see or ever expect to enjoy. There is a scene in the middle of the movie that climaxes (not literally, it's PG-13 after all) with two characters kissing as sprinklers inexplicably shower them with rain and a gushing pop song explodes into life. It was excruciatingly cliched and to my surprise it was perhaps a step too far for some of the teenage fans beside me as the scene drew many giggles and groans.

As far as plot goes, Lilly Collins plays Clary a young girl who begins to realise she is not like everybody else (a classic teen flick trope). She befriends Jace ( Jamie Campbell Bower) through their unique ability to see things normal human beings cannot. Humans like you and me incidentally, are referred to as 'mundanes' which I for one found a touch offensive. Regardless of that, the film sees Clary and Jace team up with other 'Shadowhunters' to fight off those wretched 'Downworlders.' It's your basic good vs evil story with a rather Grecian drama take on familial relations thrown in for some comic relief.

Like almost every film at the moment, especially this Summer it seems, there are a huge amount of action sequences. The battle royal between the vampires and the shadowhunters was particularly visually impressive and reminded me of playing one of the Call of Duty games on zombie mode.

Overall I was left non plussed by virtually all of the performances with the possible exception of Robert Sheehan who turned in a pleasingly comedic role as Clary's 'mundane' friend Simon. There were also some nice deadpan moments from Jamie Campbell Bower and the dynamic between the 3 leads worked quite well.

The film is another in a long line of fantasy orientated teen dramas. The camera work, CGI and performances were all at the level one would expect from a film with a $60 million budget but overall  'The Mortal Instruments' is exactly what you think it's going to be, sentimental, action filled, and really rather dull.

4/10

Fist Bumps & Flopping.

I wrote the majority of this article in June 2013.
Oh and I know the footnotes are all out of whack, it took me ages to try and sort out and I had to wonder if the 13 people who read this will really care that much. 

I’ve been watching the basketball playoffs lately, or more specifically I’ve been watching the Miami Heat. Even more specifically than that I’ve been watching Lebron James. I have been seduced by the American sports world obsession with Lebron and have given it a very special part of my life. Last year that involved staying up till 4.30 in the morning every couple of days to watch him finally silence his critics, this year its been more of a ‘first thing in the morning’ type of deal. I purchased a package called NBA gametime which lets me watch the games on replay with, and this is the attractive part, the commercial breaks cut out. A huge advantage when you invest as much time as I do in the NBA and NFL. 

There is no rational reason for me to be following the Heat as fervently as I do, none at all. I root for them because I’ve become a huge Lebron James fan, I’m a signed up, certified Lebron Kool-Aid drinker ¹  It’s all Skip Bayless’s fault really. In case you don’t know Bayless, he’s a panellist on ESPN’s show First Take and a full time loud mouth sensationalist. You either love him or hate him and I must admit, I was slightly smitten with Skip in the beginning (mainly due to his crazed defence of Tim Tebow who I have another soft spot for) but during the 2011/12 basketball season he attacked LeBron so relentlessly it just became ridiculous and the more I listened to his rants the more I wanted Lebron and by extension the Heat to win.

They did win of course and Lebron was named finals MVP, it kind of shut Skip up but being sensationalist, hypocritical and incredibly stubborn is basically his shtick so he’s still found time to criticise Lebron even when according to any respected basketball reporter, James has been nothing short of amazing all season long.  Anyway, this post wasn’t originally meant to be about Bayless even though I’m realising I could probably bang out a good 2,000 words about him and his frustrating opinions. No, its main focus is on something else that’s been consuming my thoughts while watching Lebron so closely, that is flopping, fistbumps and (unfortunately I couldn’t come up with another ‘f’ word to complete my alliterative set) basketball players obsession with helping their team mates up from the floor. 

‘Flopping’ in the NBA is what we would refer to as diving in football or more recently the GAA. I don’t know exactly why the Americans chose to go with ‘flopping’ over the perfectly suitable ‘diving’ but then they have a track record with this sort of thing, gasoline, sidewalk, elevator etc. To the ear I prefer the word ‘diving’ but as it’s generally considered quite the ignoble act maybe the more languid ‘flopping’ is appropriate. The definition of flopping is ‘to fall or plump down suddenly,especially with noise’, while diving gets the rather elegant description of ‘to plunge, fall, or descend through the air.’ Upon finding out these definitions there might actually be some practical sense to this. The opportunity to dive in football generally arises when a player is tripped or apprehended while running, hence creating more of a falling or descending motion. Basketball players usually prefer to hit the ground when they take issue with a slightly over zealous body check. This leads to said player falling or plumping¹ suddenly, and ya, generally I’d say they make some noise while doing so. Now, it must be stated that if basketball players had the room afforded to their soccer-playing brethren I firmly believe they would take to the air like Jurgen Klinsmann in his hey day but lets not get side tracked again. There is also the obvious, lets call them ‘unmanly’ connotations to the word so if we are discussing millionaire sports men throwing themselves to the ground in front of thousands of people to gain an advantage, it seems the Americans might have been right to go with the slightly more shameful ‘flopping.’

Flopping in some form exists in almost every sport. These next issues do as well but they seem more common in basketball. They are: 1. NBA players almost refusing to get up from the floor until they have at least one teammate to help them up, and 2. Ritualistic bumping of fists after every free throw. 

I find these actions both fascinating and annoying in equal measure. 

I know it’s all to do with creating and fostering a sense of camaraderie especially with the free throws, but after every single one? Wouldn’t it start to lose any meaning after a while? It’s like someone telling you they love you. It’s fantastic in the right context when the other person just understands that is what you need to hear. However, if something happened every day or even a few times a day where both people knew they had to either give or receive an ‘I love you’ wouldn’t it begin to grate on you, wouldn’t it become a burden?

Most of the time they don’t even care either. They just throw their arms out without acknowledging their fellow man or putting any effort in. It’s not a ‘you just nailed a 3 pointer with 2 seconds left’ type of fist bump, far from it, it’s a ‘I’m just gonna rub your hand because every other basketball player does and it would be weird if I didn’t’ situation. It’s the same when it comes to helping a teammate from the floor, there is an obligation and a very strange obligation at that. These are some of the fittest, strongest men on the planet. They can pick themselves up from the floor, at least a few times. They don’t need help every time, surely. I mean how much energy are you actually saving by having two guys grab your arms and pull you up, you still have to get those quads working and push yourself up. And isn’t any energy you save nullified by the amount of effort the two guys put in sprinting over to you and pulling you up while you petulantly sit waiting to be helped up? I’m looking at you D-Wade.¹ 

This photo is strange on so many levels.

Which brings me on to my final point and the most interesting observation. There is such a clear hierarchy going on in all this. I’ll use the Miami Heat as an example as I have watched them more than any other team throughout the year. Lebron is the alpha dog, therefore he almost never helps people up and is always helped up. He partakes in the fist bumping if he is shooting free throws, less so when he’s watching on. Dwayne Wade comes next. He will steadfastly refuse to get up until his teammates come to help him, sometimes to the detriment of his own team. More enthusiastic on the free throws bumps than Lebron. Chris Bosh and Mario Chalmers come next. They will help if they are in the vicinity and will occasionally pick themselves up from a fall without help. Extremely reliable fist bumpers. Then comes Shane Battier, Mike Miller and Chris Andersen. These guys don’t mess around and are highly aware of how lucky they are to be along for the ride with Lebron. They will accept help if it’s there but have no problem jumping back up and getting on with things, they will always fist bump the free throw shooter and go out of their way to make contact with the four other guys on the court after their own free throw attempts. But most importantly they will never, under any circumstances, let Lebron or Wade take on the mammoth task of lifting themselves off the floor on their own. They complete this task so enthusiastically that it could possibly be written into their contracts. 

I guess this is just a more obvious representation of the hierarchies that exist in every sport. Players know their place within the team and generally act accordingly. In a smaller team sport like basketball this becomes even clearer, especially when there is such an emphasis on ‘star’ power in the NBA. I have never come across a sport that so clearly breaks down the quality of players into specific categories such as; super stars, all-stars, normal stars, all the way down the line until you reach the derogatory term of ‘scrub’.  Shane Battier and co are in no way scrubs but they are far enough away from bona fide superstars like Lebron and D-Wade that when Lebron falls on his ass, someone further down the food chain will be there to pick him up. Every time. Without fail.

Thought of the day: If you have to count 413 letters, make sure you count them correctly. Or you will have to count them again. You have been warned. 

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1 If you don’t get that reference you’re not watching enough American sports in my opinion.

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1 Never had cause to use the word 'plumping' before today

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1 Chances of D-Wade reading this? I'm gonna say 6/1. I'm feeling cocky today

Review: RED 2

I love the beginnings of movies.  I get excited as the camera zooms in on a city skyline, a glistening ocean, a snowy mountain top or even just a character that I may or may not get to know over the next 2 hours.  There is a pleasure in the uncertainty of what will happen. Will the first character on screen be the protagonist, an extra, the protagonists’ significant other? I enjoy the feeling of the unknown and the possibility that what I’m watching might be an instant classic. I enjoyed the beginning of RED 2. And that was pretty much all I enjoyed.

            RED 2 is the sequel to 2010’s surprising hit RED. Bruce Willis is back in his role as former CIA black-ops agent Frank Moses.  The film sees him and his old pal Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich) getting into all sorts of dangerous situations in numerous cities while chasing, or being chased by, an increasing amount of bad guys. The plot centres on some sort of nuclear bomb planted by somebody, sometime ago that might or might not go off.  This intentionally vague description is not because I dozed off (although I thought about it), it’s because, what does it matter?

            A film like RED 2 just foregrounds the idea that an interesting or intricate plot line is of nowhere near the importance than say, a car chase through a European city or a bunch of muscle bound men shooting at a handcuffed and weapon less Bruce Willis (you’ll never guess who wins that particular showdown). RED 2 has been done thousands of times before and will be done thousands of times again. It is a contrived, cliché driven film in which 67 year old Helen Mirren can knock out an able bodied Iranian guard with the palm of her hand and Bruce Willis can catch a knife with his hands just before it hits his girlfriends face.

            I can see why they keep making these films. People like huge explosions and frenetic chase sequences. It brings people into movie theatres which is a good thing so I’ll save my rant about so called action movies for another day but why on earth do you cast Catherine Zeta-Jones as a Russian spy when she does not utter one syllable in anything closely resembling a Russian accent throughout the entire movie?

Don’t go to see RED 2 if you like a film to do anything more than give you obvious storylines, stock characters, expensive action sequences and John Malkovich doing a strange pouty thing with his mouth. 

2/10.

Originally published here: http://campus.ie/ents/movies/red-2-review